First Week in Therapy

I didn't blog sooner because there wasn't that much to say about the first appointment I had. It was two hours long, but it was mostly about her getting to know me and my history. She was pretty impressed at all the work I put into getting ready for the appointment. We pretty much spent the session going through all of those points and talking about them. I had a good first impression of 'Dr. Kate' and I felt pretty confident she would be able to help me... I just didn't have a whole lot to share since I did most of the talking in the first session.

My homework for the first week was pretty simple. She wanted to me to keep a food journal, but to try and do so without trying to change anything I ate, and she wanted me to try very hard to stay in a non-judgmental place of observation. She didn't want me feeling guilty or assigning 'good' and 'bad' to what I ate.

This turned out to be easier than I thought. I didn't have to measure foods or count calories or points, just write down generally what I ate, what time, and any feelings I may have had.

I had one bad day - that Monday. It was the first day of period week and I was extra hungry, so I found myself eating and eating... but then even once I was no longer hungry, it seemed to turn into a food fest for me. I just kept munching all day long and I felt myself feeling really crappy afterward. Very lethargic and most of all guilty for having been so out of control.

I struggled with 'admitting' all of this in my food journal. It's funny, in the past when food journaling on Weight Watchers, there were times I'd omit things even though no one was ever going to see it besides me. Here I am actually going to show the journal to her, and I actually managed to write down every single thing I had eaten, and how out of control I had felt. Miraculously, I think it actually helped me... because in the past that would have turned into 2-3 days of the same behavior, but this time it stopped after one day and I had a pretty good week of normal eating.

Besides the food journal and being aware of any emotional eating, the other homework I had for my first week was to come up with at least 5 "self-care items"... see, she doesn't only focus on Intuitive Eating... she includes that as a part of Intuitive Self Care. I really like that she is trying to help me improve all areas of my life because I know that all areas of my life have something to do with my health. I obviously have plenty of emotional issues and food is how I deal with them.

I had a harder time coming up with self care items than I thought I would. Part of the problem is a lot of the things I thought of cost too much for me to do them on a weekly or monthly basis... like pedicures and massages. I still put them on the list but without any sort of regular timing. I will probably get a pedicure this coming week with a friend, but it may be 2 months before I get another one. (I haven't gotten one since before my wedding six months ago!) I put massage on the list, but I'm planning to get one at the massage school clinic so that it will be cheaper and I won't expect as much. I'm so picky about massages since I am a massage therapist myself, and I haven't been completely happy with any of the massages I've gotten, even when I've paid a LOT.

The third item on my list was "make more time for digital scrapbooking." Even though I have plenty of TIME to scrapbook, I just don't do it very often. I get into a lazy mode where all I want to do is 'veg' and I don't want to put any energy into anything. Thus the lack of blogging, keeping up on photos, scrapbooking, whatever it may be. Lately my scrapbooking track record is once a month or even less... for something I actually enjoy doing! Why is that? So I really need to start making some creative time for that.

The fourth item on my list was "find somewhere to sing with a group." I was in choir in high school and it was such a great thing for me. I also used to love singing at church. I haven't done either of these things in so long. I haven't even been to a church since I moved here almost four years ago. I don't really know where I stand with my faith and that's one thing that has kept me from going. I felt like going just to enjoy the music was blasphemy or something. I also haven't tried to join any choirs since I can't site read. In high school the choir director would sing each part and I'd learn by ear... but when I tried to join in college, that didn't happen and so I was completely lost trying to learn my part.

I didn't have a 5th item on my list when I went, but after the fact I realized making time for my blogging and pictures should be #5.

So... now for the 2nd appointment, which was on Black Friday. Ian took me since he had the day off and that was really nice to have his company on the drive. He did meet Dr Kate, but he didn't join the session. She said she'd love to have some couples sessions with us in the future but this was only our 2nd one so we had plenty to work on without him.

Anyway, she asked me to tell her about my week. I asked if she wanted to see the food journal and she said I didn't have to share. But I wanted to so she gladly looked it over. We talked about the out of control eating the one day and how I felt about it.

We talked about things that had happened with my best friend... the bad stuff from a couple weeks ago, but also the really good stuff that happened this week, which was that Sarah was incredibly supportive. I totally admitted to her about my Monday and how bad it was, and she made me feel so much better. She said it's a process, and there's going to be hard times but she is going to be there for me through all of it.

Let's see.... as for my self-care list, she thought everything I came up with was great. She especially liked the singing idea. I told her I hadn't gone after it because I wasn't sure if it was really ok to go to church just to sing. But she said spirituality comes in many different forms, and it's something I have to figure out for myself, and that if singing and worship makes me feel good and nourishes my soul, then it's definitely something I should pursue. I see her point and when I told Ian that, he instantly agreed... which really surprised me because he's so anti-organized-religion... but he totally thinks I should go if it would make me happy to sing like that. So I guess I will start looking into it! I feel more excited about it now and I really miss singing on a regular basis.

As for the things on my list that I have to "make time for"... this brought up a whole conversation about organizing and structuring my time. I think this is a really important area for me. Ever since I stopped working last year, my time has been very unstructured. At first I loved the feeling of freedom that came along with that. Being able to do what I wanted, when I wanted.. it's not something we often get to do in our adult lives. But now that I've settled into it, I've found that I'm really not making good USE of my time anymore. I have enough time to do school and to keep up on hobbies, and exercise, and whatever else... but I find myself just in this zombie state half the time where I feel lazy and just don't want to do anything. I know a lot of that is lack of energy from my weight, and my sleep apnea... but I need to try to change that.

She said I really need to find a way to structure my time.. not necessarily by the hour, or planning out what is on certain days... but just experimenting with different things and figuring out what works best for me. For example do I want to do school work an hour or two a day, or like 6 hours a couple days a week. When do I want to make time for my scrapbooking. What time of day works best for me to exercise. I am supposed to experiment with all of this stuff this week and try to see what works best for me. I don't even know if I'll HAVE time to scrapbook this week because there is so much I want to get done around the house while Ian is in Boston... but I am sure going to try.

OK I feel like I am really rambling here so I better wrap this up... but basically that's a lot of what we talked about the first couple of weeks and what I am working on. This week my appointment is on Thursday so I will report back again after that!

So Much to Say...

I'm here! I just want you all to know that although I've been very quiet here, a lot has been going on and I have much to tell you. I really don't know the correct order to go in so forgive me if this post jumps around.

I guess the best place to begin is by telling you I've begun. This week I started walking. Even though I didn't know what my "plan" was going to be for getting healthier, I just wanted to do something... help myself get back in the right mind set.
There is a great trail here in our new neighborhood, down at the end of my street. I like it because it's mostly gravel, it's hilly but not too steep, and I can go lots of different directions. The weather has been great too. I walked Monday for 26 mins, Tuesday for 30 mins, and yesterday for 35 mins. It felt wonderful. It's hard.. and makes me sad that just walking is so hard, but that is just the reality at my current weight and fitness level. The first day I walked alone, the second day with my dad, and the third day with my sister in law so that was really fun. Today I took a break because my foot pain is so bad. It's hard to fight through that, but if I rest it for a day and then get back out there, I should be okay. The thing about plantar fasciitis is that it has to be rested when it gets bad. It's not like a sore muscle and it's good to work it and it will get stronger. It's the fascia pulling away from the bone and you don't want to risk pulling it away completely. So I have to learn to respect that.

It's difficult because I am fending off those feelings of "3 days and I'm taking a break?" but I know truly, through and through that it is not because I don't want to go walking or don't feel like it. I'm just trying to be good to my foot. Oooh, in fact I just had an idea... maybe I'll do some floor exercises! Like some stretching and some push ups and stuff. Yes, that sounds good.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. I took a step. I have been afraid for so long to take a step. Here is why.

I am done with diets, and weight watchers, and everything I've tried in the past. It's not success if it's not lasting. It doesn't work if it stops working. Know what I mean? And I no longer blame myself for quitting these things. I am released from that. I know they don't work for me, are unrealistic for me, and will not bring me lasting success. So what will? Ah, that is where the fear comes in.

I read the Intuitive Eating book and the truth of the matter is it changed my way of thinking and changed my entire life. It opened my eyes and helped me free myself from guilt and regret, from the sense of failure, and showed me that I need to find a new way. However, my problem with it was that there really is NO structure whatsoever... no guidance to help me figure out how to take the principles and change my life with them. Everything in the book made sense to me, and at first I lost weight just being mindful of my fullness levels and getting a little activity. But, that stopped, and I gained a lot more weight. Lately I've been trying to evaluate WHY.

It scared me that I was actually able to find the thing that felt like THE answer for me, and it just "wore off". I stopped thinking about it and stopped putting in the effort, even though I truly didn't even think it was hard to do! Obviously there is some buried emotional stuff in there that needs to be dealt with.

I've been scared to make a move, to try something else that won't work out. I know Intuitive Eating is what I want to do, but I don't know how to do it and stick to it and also work through my emotional issues.

So this leaves me needing a balance. Too much structure with too many restrictions = a program I won't stick with. Too little structure and no guidance = it's too easy to just forget and not try.

It has been so freeing that I finally like myself and don't feel guilty or feel like a failure anymore. I've been really happy, and that is a huge accomplishment. I don't look in the mirror and feel ugly all the time.
The funny thing is that I am heavier than ever!!!!!!!!!! And that is just not healthy. As the title of this blog implies, there are two things that are important to me as my goals - health and happiness. And of course AS HAPPY AS I FEEL, I AM NOT TRULY HAPPY THROUGH AND THROUGH KNOWING THAT I AM UNHEALTHY.

So, over the past several weeks, ever since I did my first post here, I have been trying to figure out what to do. What is my plan. What do I think COULD work for me, and have lasting success?

There are only two things of which I am sure. ONE - I need to figure out and address the emotional issues behind my habits, my weight, and what truly makes me tick. Counseling is what I need, and have never done before. TWO - the counselor needs to believe in the same things I do, and support the concept of Intuitive Eating. If a counselor is brainwashed by the diet mentality and tried to tell me being on a strict diet and exercising 30 mins a day 5 days a week forever is the ONLY way I will succeed, well, they will only damage me further.

This led me to doing an internet search last week, looking for counselors who support Intuitive Eating. There is one here in Denver that sounds very very good to me.
I am not 100% sure yet if I want to, or should, share her name so for right now I will just call her Dr. Kate because I loooove Kate Walsh on Private Practice :) (She plays Addison Montgomery and used to be on Grey's Anatomy.)

So, I pretty much knew I wanted to call Dr. Kate and try to see here but two things stood in my way. One if the fear that once I start something, I know I'm going to have to see it through and never give up if I want to succeed, and let's face it that scares most of us!! The other is of course, cost. Therapy from a qualified professional is pricey. Luckily I am so blessed with a dad who always wants to help me, no strings attached. He said he will pay for the therapy, and he won't be upset if it doesn't work for me, as long as I try my best. All that was left was conquering that fear.

I think when I took that first walk, I decided I was ready, and I was totally going to call her. Then my world got turned upside down. I texted my best friend, who has always been my weight loss support buddy, and told her I got started. Instead of being met with encouragement, I was told she refused to encourage me because she doesn't believe I will ever succeed at this.

Much more was said, but I don't really want to share it. It was all very hurtful, and coming from someone so close to me who I thought would always support me was extremely difficult. She has since apologized and told me there is a lot more going on and it had nothing to do with me and she blew up at me for no reason... but it is going to take some time to try and put that aside and trust her again, and believe that she does not think I am doomed tobe a failure.

I'm sure most of you can relate to this because we are all afraid of failure when it comes to weight loss, and at least for me a part of me thinks she's right and I'll never be able to do it, and that's why it hurt so much. But, I have tried to keep going regardless, and went for two more walks the next two days. Eating has been great too in the fact that I haven't binged or overeaten, despite my emotional stress.

it did take me a couple more days to want to call Dr. Kate though... because now my fear of making a decision and trying this again is even higher, and I'm so afraid of failing or quitting. But what am I supposed to do, NOT TRY? Of course not. So, I called her today.

I felt comfortable talking with her, I feel like we are on the same page, and I really think she will be able to help me.

My first session is next week, on Friday the 20th. It will be a two hour session so that she can get to know me, my story, and how she can help me. I am really looking forward to it. In the mean time I'll just keep doing what I have started, getting some activity, trying not to eat emotionally, etc.

I think I'll also be making a timeline of my ups and downs with weight and trying to evaluate my emotional state as it was when I would stop and gain weight back. I just want to really look at my life and try to get a grasp on it. I may not have any answers yet, but at least I'll have something to talk to Dr Kate about and maybe she can help me find those answers!

So throughout this week I may be posting tidbits as I reflect back on my journey of ups and downs I have been on, and any revelations I may have, or questions I come up with. Some of you have been with me a LONG time so maybe you will have some opinions too.

I just want to make one thing clear. I value your opinions and I want to hear them... but I do not want to hear about anything that goes against what I am planning to do right now. I feel this is right for me and will be an important step in my process. I have already been very discouraged this week, and do not need any more of that. Thank you in advance.

Hope you will all come along with me on this ride. No matter what, it should be interesting!