Whew

Started off my day with Leslie Sansone... did 2 miles from one of her walking videos and then did her yoga video. Good start to my day!! I didn't eat much yesterday with food being stuck, but did manage to have two good meals in the later part of the day. Now I'm off to the chiropractor... trying to keep up on ALL the right thing for my back! I have a trip to Chicago coming up this weekend and I want to be feeling good. It doesn't help that hubby is sick and I think I'm getting it :( no no no, go away cold!
I am also going to try VERY hard to eat well on my Chicago trip. It's hard because I don't have much in the way of my own food, have a hard time actually eating anywhere near 6 times a day, and most meals are eaten out. But I will make a game of it and do my best. I do plan to enjoy a chili dog while I am out there, but other than that I will be good :) Hoping to get lots of activity too.

I really want to be 199 by May 3rd which is when my 1 year doctor appointment is scheduled... although my one year will actually be May 20th. So as long as I make it by May 20th I'll be happy, but if I could make it by May 3rd I would just be ecstatic. I KNOW I can do it if I just keep up on my exercise and watch my food choices!!

15 Weeks and Half Way to Goal

Hey everybody. So I am 15 weeks post op as of yesterday. Got on the scale this morning for my weekly weigh-in and I weighed in at 234.8 .... well 235 is my halfway to goal mark!!

So now I am down 75 lbs of the 150 lbs I am planning to lose. It feels WONDERFUL. I happened to get my hair cut and colored yesterday as well, and took a photo of it after, which is now pretty much my favorite picture of myself... and a great way to celebrate being half way to goal :)

I am feeling so blessed and grateful that I made it here, because a week ago I wasn't doing so well. Basically when I hit 237 which was my lowest weight ever as an adult.... although I felt happy, I also felt scared. Since I am not someone who has ever been thin as an adult, ever!! It is a big unknown for me. Of course I WANT IT... but I guess I'm also afraid. I know THIS person... the weight I am now. I don't know THAT person.... the one I am becoming.

I found myself eating some junk food over the weekend and a couple days into this week. I ate a whole bag of Squiggles (cookies... sorry BISCUITS... from New Zealand) which I guess is 12 cookies... over the course of 3-4 days. I can say I didn't stuff myself or overfill my tummy... but I know I was eating these because I was attempting self sabotage. I was attempting to prove to myself that I would NOT lose more, that I WOULD get stuck here again like I always do, and start gaining weight back. That I will never be thin and healthy and normal. That I am still controlled by food (even though I really am not anymore, for the most part). I think I was trying to prove all of this to myself because THAT is the ME that I KNOW.

I realized talking to my dear friend April while we were at the gym earlier this week... that I am carrying some guilt also. Guilt that i had surgery, and that many people in my life who struggle with weight may be feeling jealous even though they do fully support me. I don't want to make anyone feel bad. I don't want to make anyone else feel that they failed and I succeeded, especially because I have this amazing tool to help me, and I was NOT able to do it without this tool. Then there is also the fear that my friends or loved ones are thinking that. "You were only able to get this far cuz you had surgery." Which I guess is true, but it sounds more negative the way I am thinking it. There is also the fear that I will lost my friends.... especially my best friend of 15 years who has always struggled with weight but I have ALWAYS been the bigger one of the two of us, and I will be passing her up soon and be smaller than her. Same with my sister in law, I'm a size away from being smaller than her. I am so worried that when they realize I'm smaller than them, they will not feel good about being around me and they won't want to be. I am comfortable being the bigger one... I don't know how to be the smaller one.

April helped me to realize I need to let go of the guilt and stop worrying about what anyone else is thinking. That if I am going to reach my goals, it will take hard work, and I am earning it, and putting in the time for ME, and that it is not selfish to do so.

Thanks for listening.

My Little Grey Dress

I purchased this dress because the smallest size I've ever been is a 14 (even then that wasn't dress size, just tops, was still a 20 on the bottom)... so a 12 will be totally new territory for me. This dress is from Maurice's, and when I saw it I just had to have it. It's cute, not too trendy, and I feel like it's totally ME! I wanted to have photos of it hanging on me now, as a wonderful comparison later on when it actually fits me.

Even though I can't wear it, just putting it on me like this made me feel cute! I think I chose well. It really does feel like "me" and it's almost as if I can envision my future self! Size 12 here I come.

Goals Update

My goal setting session with Dr. Kate was a really cool experience. I guess I went into it like "goal setting, yeah I've done this before, I know what this is about" but it really was a different experience with her and I have to say, I really liked it!

The first hour was a regular session, talking about my week and everything. I had brought along my newly printed scrapbook pages so she could see some in person. Since she is so supportive and encouraging of my hobby and of me making more time for it, I thought she'd like to see the end result. I told her not to feel like she had to look through them all, that I just wanted her to get the idea. Well she ended up looking through all of them and she loved them and kept saying "I totally get this now! I get what it's all about." It just made me feel really good.

I also told her I was ready to start incorporating regular exercise and I was going to be looking at gyms to figure out which gym had everything I wanted. I ended up choosing Lifetime Fitness, and I'll do a separate post all about that :)

So now onto the goals!

I brought the list I had made, which I shared in my last post. She also had worksheets ready for me to lead me through the goal setting.

Surprisingly, the first step was to reflect on LAST YEAR. Why have I never thought of doing that before? She led me through a visualization of being in my own private movie theater and watching the past year of my life on the screen. It sounds cheesy but it was actually really easy to visualize, and led me to some new realizations! During it she asked me these questions and when I was done I wrote down the answers.


What were your top three successes last year?
1. Wedding planning and maintaining relationships through it / not fighting or being bridezilla :)
2. Prepping and selling our house
3. Facing my problems and choosing to start therapy

What were your top three challenges?
1. Erradicating bad friendships from my life
2. Figuring out who I am and how I fit with my husband
3. Prepping the house for sale and moving

What helped you to overcome these challenges?
The close people in my life - Ian, Sarah, my parents... they were there for me and helped me through these things.


What is the primary message or lesson from your past year's experiences?
This was the most surprising part. When she asked me this I actually SAW the words "trust me" come across the "movie screen"... it was incredible. Something buried in my subconscious that I wasn't aware of. I get the feeling the trust me implied two things - trust myself more, that I know what's best for myself and how to make decisions, and trust my friends and family more, that they will be there for me, help me through things, and still be there no matter what decision I make. They will support me.
So "TRUST" is my word for this year!

Now it was time for the next visualization... back in the movie theater, directing and starring in my own movie of what I want this year to be, and I can make it be whatever I want.


Describe the movie in as much detail as possible, as if it is REAL NOW. This is what I see...
I see myself healthier, thinner, with a smile always on my face. I'm less stressed because I know how to balance my needs and my responsibilities. I am happy with my husband and love is increasing even more as we spend more time together at more activities. I strive to reach my career goals and I'm successful at them and am able to contribute financially to my relationship again.


Now break your vision down into specific areas:

HEALTH/BEAUTY
exercising regularly, eating more healthfully, cooking more
massages, mani/pedis, self care

WEALTH/CAREER
finish school, start businesses, contribute financially

FAMILY/FRIENDS
trust them, spend time with them, keep up long distance friendships
keep improving communication & togetherness with my husband

TRAVEL/FUN
fun weekend activities with husband, get out more
keep taking pics and scrapbooking
take trips back to chicago
plan trips with hubby


NEXT STEP was to break all of these goals down into yearly goals, then determining what is at 6 months, monthly, weekly, daily from that point. Then I would reevaluate weekly goals each week, monthly goals each month, etc throughout the year!

ONE YEAR GOALS:
- Daily exercise
- Mostly whole foods, little processed
- School is done
- Doing web design
- Activities out w/ husband 2 weekends per month
- Two trips to Chicago
- Go on scrapbooking retreat

SIX MONTH GOALS (July):
- Daily exercise
- Adding more whole foods
- Improving cooking skills
- Final stretch with school
- Researching job opportunitis
- 2x per month activities with husband
- trips are completed

ONE MONTH GOALS:
- join gym
- fix wii acessories (for wii fit)
- 3x per week exercise
- only one night eating out each week
- continue with school schedule
- one weekend out with hubby
- get trips scheduled
- get massage, have ian get one too
- manicure

WEEKLY GOALS:
- join gym
- 3 days of exercise
- cook, keep groceries stocked
- catch up on school
- plan a weekend with ian for sometime soon
- schedule my trips

DAILY GOALS:
- school
- preparing foods
- is it an exercise day?


How am I doing so far?
I'm happy to report that as I type this and it's been about 5 days since setting these goals, I am right on tack!! On the daily level I've been doing school, making dinners at home except for one dinner out, and exercising. On the weekly level, I've already joined the gym, grocery shopped and am going again today, and scheduled one of my trips (and very close to scheduling the other.) Also a long talk with my best friend so that goes toward maintaining long distance friendships. My other friend is visiting me this weekend too :)

So I am planning use this blog when I want to sit down and reevaluate my weekly or monthly goals!
I have a phone session with Dr. Kate tomorrow and will be happy to give her this good report :)
I'll be back soon with a gym update, but if I don't get to it tomorrow it won't be til next week since my friend is visiting me Friday - Tuesday.

Well Hi There! :)

So I haven't been writing much in here, mostly because it didn't seem like anyone was reading, and I didn't have that much to say about stuff. I'll try to start writing a bit more though :)
Therapy is going GREAT and I am working on so many things... but I will have to save the long update for another time.

Right now I am preparing for a two hour session that is going to start two hours from now... this is going to be a goal-setting session. We'll be talking about what goals I have, breaking them down, and making an action plan for them.

I'm supposed to do a little bit of thinking about these goals and then she'll help me take it further... so I just wanted to make a little list here of the goals I am already aware of. Hopefully she'll help me think of even more, too :)

This year's health goals:

- Develop exercise as a daily habit, working out every weekday and doing recreational activity on weekends. She has already told me she thinks I can only reach my health goals if I create exercise as a daily habit (with rest when needed of course), especially because I stay home and I'm so sedentary.

- Within that goal, I want to get a little more specific. I want my activities to be varied, and I also want to make sure I do strength training - something I have never done on a consistent basis even when I exercised (cardio) regularly.

- I want to improve my cooking skills, and learn to feel less stressed by meal planning and grocery shopping.

- Cook more, eat out less.

- I want to add more whole foods into my diet, and eat less processed foods.


This year's career/financial goals:

- Finish all of my schooling and get into the web design business

- More immediately, I need to start incorporating ebay sales into my life on a monthly or weekly basis, to bring in some money that I can pay off bills with.

- Continue with the freebie blog I started (a 3-4x per week commitment), keeping in mind my future goal which is:

- In the next year or two I want to start a video-based tutorial website for Digital Scrapbooking that will bring in revenue on a per-item or subscription basis, plus advertising space potential


Personal Enrichment Goals:

- Continue making time for digital scrapbooking on a regualr basis, it brings me joy

- Keep up on taking care of myself through massage, mani/pedi, etc hopefully on a monthly basis

- Keep up on household chores so that I don't feel bad when things pile up and I don't enjoy my surroundings

- Plan things with my husband for weekends where we get out and do things, at least once a month. Things such as going up to the mountains, getting out for a walk or hike together, going to museums downtown, whatever it might be. While he may not be up to it every weekend, once a month is a good place to start.


Alright so that's what I have! Now that I spell it out, it sounds like a lot. I look forward to her helping me break it down :) Will be back soon to update on how this session goes!