15 Weeks and Half Way to Goal

Hey everybody. So I am 15 weeks post op as of yesterday. Got on the scale this morning for my weekly weigh-in and I weighed in at 234.8 .... well 235 is my halfway to goal mark!!

So now I am down 75 lbs of the 150 lbs I am planning to lose. It feels WONDERFUL. I happened to get my hair cut and colored yesterday as well, and took a photo of it after, which is now pretty much my favorite picture of myself... and a great way to celebrate being half way to goal :)

I am feeling so blessed and grateful that I made it here, because a week ago I wasn't doing so well. Basically when I hit 237 which was my lowest weight ever as an adult.... although I felt happy, I also felt scared. Since I am not someone who has ever been thin as an adult, ever!! It is a big unknown for me. Of course I WANT IT... but I guess I'm also afraid. I know THIS person... the weight I am now. I don't know THAT person.... the one I am becoming.

I found myself eating some junk food over the weekend and a couple days into this week. I ate a whole bag of Squiggles (cookies... sorry BISCUITS... from New Zealand) which I guess is 12 cookies... over the course of 3-4 days. I can say I didn't stuff myself or overfill my tummy... but I know I was eating these because I was attempting self sabotage. I was attempting to prove to myself that I would NOT lose more, that I WOULD get stuck here again like I always do, and start gaining weight back. That I will never be thin and healthy and normal. That I am still controlled by food (even though I really am not anymore, for the most part). I think I was trying to prove all of this to myself because THAT is the ME that I KNOW.

I realized talking to my dear friend April while we were at the gym earlier this week... that I am carrying some guilt also. Guilt that i had surgery, and that many people in my life who struggle with weight may be feeling jealous even though they do fully support me. I don't want to make anyone feel bad. I don't want to make anyone else feel that they failed and I succeeded, especially because I have this amazing tool to help me, and I was NOT able to do it without this tool. Then there is also the fear that my friends or loved ones are thinking that. "You were only able to get this far cuz you had surgery." Which I guess is true, but it sounds more negative the way I am thinking it. There is also the fear that I will lost my friends.... especially my best friend of 15 years who has always struggled with weight but I have ALWAYS been the bigger one of the two of us, and I will be passing her up soon and be smaller than her. Same with my sister in law, I'm a size away from being smaller than her. I am so worried that when they realize I'm smaller than them, they will not feel good about being around me and they won't want to be. I am comfortable being the bigger one... I don't know how to be the smaller one.

April helped me to realize I need to let go of the guilt and stop worrying about what anyone else is thinking. That if I am going to reach my goals, it will take hard work, and I am earning it, and putting in the time for ME, and that it is not selfish to do so.

Thanks for listening.