Current Struggles at Nearly 10 Months Post Op

Alright guys it's time to have a talk all about the weight loss surgery. For those who come after me, and for all those interested, I need to reiterate that this is NOT easy.

Once your stomach capacity creeps back up, things get so much harder. I try to live a balanced eating life, get lots of protein, etc... but to also not have a diet mentality and say NO, NEVER to certain foods. I let myself have treats. I do think that is okay. However, they are too often these days and that is something I need to work on.

I wanted this type of surgery so that I CAN still eat sweets and fats and to be able to feel like I can eat pretty "normally". However, this means I have to make all the changes on my own that I would make if I had never had surgery. In the beginning I was VERY good at this and very strict. I think that is made obvious by the fact I reached about 93 lbs lost at 5 1/2 months post op which, for my type of surgery, is a LOT.

However here I am 4 1/2 months later and only 9 more pounds lost (102 lbs lost now). While it is fantastic I have continued losing, and maintaining, I have got to make some changes. I continue to get smaller (which means I burn less calories) and I continue to be able to eat more (6-8oz per meal, 5-6 meals a day now). I think my stomach capacity is pretty much leveled off now, and I can work with it, I just need to make the correct choices a LOT more often then I have been. I still want to lost another 30-50lbs and if I my current choices pretty much keep me maintaining NOW, at 208 lbs, then I'm sure it will be impossible to be 180 lbs or 160 lbs without changing what I am doing.

I am NOT one of the lucky people who is never hungry after surgery. I feel hunger many many times a day. True hunger. I need to start feeding this hunger with the things that will help it stay satisfied

Of course, as I mentioned before, fitness is a problem with my pain level and I haven't been able to do the things I wanted to do. However, I am definitely slacking and there ARE things I can do, I have just been bored of them and been stubborn about not wanting to do them, so I haven't been doing as much. That's the brutal truth there is I have been bullheaded about it. Because I can't do what I want to do, I have done hardly anything. It is time to make a list of the things I know I CAN do and get exercise 4-5 days a week for 30-60 mins each. PERIOD.

I don't really want to go into a detailed action plan here, but I am going to be getting refocused on making healthful food choices a good 90% of the time, far less treats than what I've been allowing myself, focus on more solid dense protein (yes I'm tired of chicken and turkey but I need to get over that and keep chugging). I am also going to focus on MORE exercise and MORE fun active things.

Hubby and I are planning to try the pouch test this week. A lot of post ops do it. I need to look up the specifics but I think the general idea is that for 5 days you repeat the stages of eating from immediately post op. Liquids, then soft/mushy, then soft solids. And ALL meals being 90%-100% protein. This is supposed to help accomplish two things - bring stomach capacity back down some (tighten in up) and also get a lot of sugars and junk out of your system and help you refocus on protein rich foods and eating properly.

I will try to report in more often over the next couple of weeks to let you all know how this stuff is going and if I am able to get my mindset back into a good place.

My friend Aslynn is doing so incredible and dear, so you know I am so happy for you, but I have to admit I am jealous because you are looking so good and so small (size 12 jeans!!). She and I have lost the same amount, but she started out smaller than me so she is of course smaller than me now too, and I'm jealous - but in a good way. In a motivating way. I looked at some new pics of her last night and it reminded me that I want that. I want size 12. I want to finish my journey, and THEN embark on the great task of learning to maintain it. I have gotten so comfortable with the progress I've made so far and that "I'm pretty happy right here"... but I do want more. I want at LEAST to weigh 180 lbs, even if I don't ever get to 160 lbs (I'm not sure where I want to settle). I have in my mind size 12. We shall see.

Anyway, I needed the reminder. The reminder that I'm not finished and I have more work to do. And that I have let my lifestyle slip. I'm lucky I haven't been gaining but if I continue on this path, I will.

You are never cured of obesity. I thought my mindset had changed 100%. I felt so on track, so confident, so changed. But lately I've been slipping, and I need to put a stop to that. I am sure that for the rest of my life I will have to be aware of these sorts of things and change my behaviors before I gain weight back. I'm okay with that. I will consider this my first big test. I've seen it, now I must follow through and do what I need to do.

This Month's Therapy Session

I had my monthly appointment with my therapist yesterday. For those who don't know, I've been seeing her for about a year now working on Intuitive Eating and all my food issues, and just getting my life together in general.

Some of the things I talked to her about this session are...

- How happy I am that my fitness level is where it's at. I missed exercise for a whole week because of getting sick and yesterday I got back to it and got through my workout just fine. I felt GREAT.
- How happy I am that I actually MISS working out when I don't get to, and I look forward to getting back into it. I woke up so excited because I felt better today and knew I felt good enough to work out. The old me would have felt like "oh man, I'm better now guess I have to try to work out again." Instead, the new me is like "yes!!! I feel good enough to work out!! whoo hoo!!" :)
- How the weight loss has slowed quite a lot but I am still feeling so great and so happy about everything.
- How I am focusing on how far I've come instead of how far I have left to go.
- How I am celebrating where I am and who I am right now. I am working to not criticize my body and to enjoy it the way it is.
- My biggest challenge right now - sugar. Been letting too much of it into my life. Going to try and "sugar detox" again so I can nix the cravings. The past week has been very... sugary. LOL! Yesterday was great, no candy, just a coffee drink (and I only get those 1-2x per week). The candy has been the problem. Gotta get back to where I only have it occasionally, not several times a day.

That's most of the health/fitness stuff I talked to her about. We also talked quite a bit about my father in law and how hubby and I are dealing with that. It was a really good session.

Some other news....

I felt like I had a good body image today. I caught myself in some negative self talk this morning and I completely reversed it. I had put on my workout clothes and looked down and thought -geez, after all this, I see my tummy sticking out when I look down. If I don't suck it in, there it is. SIGH. What's wrong with me? But then I thought, let's really LOOK at this. So I turned sideways and looked at the side view of me in the full length mirror. I let my tummy completely relax and hang out. I then tried to REALLY SEE what I looked like without any slanted viewpoint. And you know what I thought? NOT BAD!!!! Even when I let it alllllll hang out... it's not that bad. Especially compared to where I came from. So I told myself, way to go! What an accomplishment! And I felt better about my tummy all day :)

A Comparison

I've posted this on our other blog and Facebook but forgot to post it here! I really like this comparison of my husband and I. The photos on the left were taken in April at his grandfather's 80th birthday party. We looked just like this if not a little worse when our surgeries took place. On the right, a couple photos taken of us at a family BBQ on July 3rd.

At that time it was 1 month post-op for my husband and 6 weeks for me. Coming up tomorrow is his 6 week appointment and will be 8 weeks for me. Coming up on 2 months on the 20th for me... can't wait to do new comparisons :)

The typical weight loss shots are great but these more "lifestyle" like shots really hit me even more. I can see our lives, our life together, changing right before my eyes! :) We've been on lots of hikes too lately... feels so good.

Out with the Old, in with the New (Balance)

My New Balance sneakers have treated me well.
I've been wearing these since just before the wedding. I guess somewhere between wearing them AT my wedding, on my entire honeymoon, through many home improvement projects and selling our house, moving, trapsing through the red dirt in Utah, daily wear and workouts.... well... they've had it!!

OLD New Balance meet... NEW New Balance.

I can't believe they used to look sooooo white and clean and new! Yes I got the exact same pair because with my orthotics and my wide feet, this is pretty much THE pair of sneakers for me right now. Wish I had more choices but sadly, I do not.

I will keep the old pair around as work shoes, so I hope they can get along :)

Just for fun and nostalgia, here I am wearing them at my wedding, when they WERE all shiny and new:

My Workouts Lately

Looky, I'm alive! And I actually got in a couple of good workouts this week! Wednesday I got back to the gym finally. I did 40 minutes on the arc trainer. (NEW arc trainer, too... which I'll go into in a bit.) What I find interesting is that I can still do 40 mins on the arc trainer when I haven't worked out in forever. It didn't really hurt. It wasn't really that hard. And yet, for 2 days after, my lungs burned! What the heck is up with that? I know my lungs aren't used to it. I just find it funny that I didn't struggle to breathe WHILE working out, but I have been after. I even thought maybe we had mold in the house again, because my lungs were burning so badly! Today I worked out again - this time I split it up and did 15 mins elliptical, 15 mins arc trainer, 15 mins bike. As soon as I got on the first machine I realized I was sore from Wednesday lol, I didn't even know before that. But today's workout felt really good. My lungs hurt after, but it seems to have gone away a lot more quickly. Hopefully next time they wont' hurt at all. I still need to try my wedding dress on and see how it's fitting..... LESS THAN A MONTH TO GO!!! And I need to take it in for my alterations soon! eeeek! :) Anyway, it feels good to be working out. I really haven't in a while because of my foot pain - which IS getting better by the way. I got my ORTHOTICS last week! They take some getting used to, and actually cause pain too while your muscles are adjusting to your new way of walking. But I already feel like I'm getting more used to them (it can take up to 6 weeks.) However, something I've been doing has been working. I am not dieting by any means, but I have cut out fast food 99% of the time. I'm down 15 pounds this month. And I definitely hope working out will help me lose another 10 before the wedding. Not because of how I will look that day or anything. I just want my dress to fit comfy. :) So... now let me get back to the NEW "Upgraded" Arc trainer machine that showed up at my gym. Here's a pic:

It's a nice machine... but take a look at where the cupholders are! It does require some acrobatics on my part to reach my water. Why couldn't they just be on the outside of the machine, farther forward? Also, a nice added feature is a fan that blows on you to cool you off. It can be set to hi, low, and off. However, the flow of the air is not adjustable. Couldn't they have simple louvers like car air conditioning systems?

See the slots where the air comes out? I wish it could be adjusted because, at my height (5'5") the air mostly goes straight over my head. It does move around in a cycle and occasionally it would go across my face... I'm guessing that's when it's meant to be cooling someones neck or chest. LOL. I'm short but I'm not THAT short. I'm also thinking of my dear Jenniy who is quite tall... How can the two of us (or a man for that matter!) be expected to use the same machine without it being adjustable? All in all I like the new machine, but some of these new features don't make sense to me.

See where those dang cup holders are in comparison to the woman? Sheesh. Anyway, the upside is they do still have one of the old machines there, on the other side of the track. I might keep using that one for a while :) That's it for now on the workout front. Just thought you might like to know what's up. PS - I am SORE! :)

My Feet

My New Regimen

Well my podiatrist appointment yesterday was very productive. I really liked this woman... she took a lot of time with me, was very personable, explained all my options, etc. Firstly, I had x-rays taken, and when she came in we looked at them first thing. Let me tell you... my feet are a lot more messed up than I realized!!!!!! Plantar Fasciitis is not my only problem! Not only is the bone spur I had removed growing back with a vengance, but I have 5 additional ones. All in all I have two on the back of each heel, and one on the top of each ankle. My achilles tendons are both extremely tight & short... as well as my fascia being really tight. I thought that when you have bone spurs, it makes your tendons tighten... but, apparently, it's the other way around. Having the tight tendons rubbing on your bone is what actually creates the bone spurs! No wonder I have so many then, since everything is tight. She said one of the problems I have is that when I had the original spur removed, the guy was too conservative and didn't take it all.... basically put a bandaid on the problem. Eventually, with these spurs, I may have to have the surgery re-done - not only on my left, but on my right too. If that happens, she would actually surgically lengthen both of my achilles tendons, which would give me a lot of relief long-term. However, I'm hopng it won't come to that point. The first step is lots of stretches... which I already do, but she also showed me a couple more. Also, she gave me the boot you see above. I am supposed to wear that on my left foot at night while I sleep. The tendons shorten at night when the foot is in the restful position, which makes my pain so horrible in the morning. The boot keeps everything flexed and lengthened overnight. I tried it last night but had to take it off after a couple of hours. It is a lot to get used to! Will try again tonight. She also would like to fit me for orthotics for my shoes. She wanted to test out whether they would give me relief... so yesterday before I left her office, she taped up my left foot. This wasn't like an ace bandage, this was some kind of heavy duty adhesive tape that has to be soaked off to remove it. It didn't feel very tight, or like it was doing anything. And it also doesn't LOOK like it's doing much....

But let me tell you this..... as I was walking out of the office... my foot didn't hurt. At ALL. I got home after sitting in the car driving... stood up... and it didn't hurt. All day long, it didn't hurt. It was AMAZING and made me feel like a new person. This was basically a test because she said the orthotics would keep my foot in that position - so if that helped me, orthotics would help me. I say.... BRING ON THE ORTHOTICS!!!!!
I definitely need them for both feet though. With the left one taped up yesterday and feeling so good, I definitely noticed the pain in my right foot a lot more. So... where it stands right now... is that when I get back from Chicago I'm going back to talk with her again and hopefully get fitted for orthotics. I'll do what I can with the stretching, icing, boot wearing, etc. OH! And, no more barefoot around the house and flip flops are for the beach. LOL. (Kristi totally called this one.) I am trying to wear my sneakers around the house today and it feels so weird. When I came home from getting Ian's prescription I took them off. It's a habit! I realized it about 20 mins later and put them back on. This is the hardest part for me I think. I can handle no flip flops... but wearing shoes in the house! It feels so restrictive. Like being told you have to leave your coat on all the time in the house. Haha. And I just don't feel that "ahhh, I'm home" relaxed feeling without taking my shoes off. BUT...... if it will help my pain... I will just have to get used to it!!!!!
Especially once I get my orthotics, because then wearing my shoes will help even more I'm sure. She also said - new shoes every 6 months, period. And yes they have to be expensive ones like new balance or asics. She gave me a list of approved shoes - exact models and everything!!!! Good timing too as I need new ones right now. I tried to order some but they didn't fit well for me. Sending those back and I guess I will order one from the list.
So yeah so far it's looking good - like I will be able to get relief without surgery. And I really like this doctor a lot. She never blamed my weight for my foot problems. In fact she said my achilles tendons are very very short, and that is something you are born with, and would be a problem even if I were a healthy weight. That was the only time she even mentioned my weight was to say that, and it felt really good to hear. YAY! Something I didn't do to myself! haha.
Another interesting thing. I showed her how I stretch. She was flabbergasted because I have to go so deep into a lunge to get a good calf stretch, and even deeper to stretch my achilles tendon. Usually people with this problem can barely stretch. So it was very obvious to her that I was telling the truth about how often I stretch and everything. She said it was very odd that the tendons are that flexible and yet so inflexible at other times. Such as me sitting back down and her trying to flex my foot. It basically wouldn't move. And that is directly after me stretching. It's really weird! The best way she could explain it is that they are flexible, but snap back immediately, like a rubber band, and do not stay lengthened. That's part of why it may still be a good idea down the road for her to surgically lengthen the tendons. If I do that though, it would be a loooong process... one foot at a time... surgery.... cast... physical therapy. Rinse and repeat. Haha. I really hope I don't have to do that. So that's the update, and I'll let you guys know what happens when I go to my follow up appointment in two weeks. Also - i did take pics of my new clothes! And I'll be working on getting that post up later today or tomorrow morning!

Can't Ignore it Anymore

I have been dealing with foot pain for a couple of years... but over the past few months, it has been in a new spot, and gotten increasingly more painful. After reading through the mayo clinic's section on plantar fasciitis, I am pretty sure that is exactly what I've got. The location of the pain fits, and the symptoms - as far as the worst pain being when i get up in the morning, and when i get up from sitting... and that during exercise it warms up and doesn't hurt, but then AFTER.... after, it kills me.

"Plantar fasciitis causes stabbing or burning pain that's usually worse in the morning because the fascia tightens (contracts) overnight. Once your foot limbers up, the pain of plantar fasciitis normally decreases, but it may return after long periods of standing or after getting up from a seated position."

It's also much worse in my left foot. I feel it in my right, but the difference is night and day. The amount of pain in the right foot wouldn't really even have me thinking about going to get it checked... whereas the left has gotten to the point where I can no longer ignore it and must do something NOW.

This makes sense based on this bit of info found in the causes:

Improper shoes. Shoes that are thin-soled, loose, or lack arch support or the ability to absorb shock don't protect your feet. If you regularly wear shoes with high heels, your Achilles tendon — which is attached to your heel — can contract and shorten, causing strain on the tissue around your heel.

While I do not wear high heels hardly ever - I have the same problem without doing so. My left achilles tendon is already contracted and shortened and strained - because of the surgery I had on my heel which I think was in 2003. They removed a bone spur from my heel and had to cut into the tendon to do so. It healed poorly and hurts me often. This - combined with my weight - is more than enough explanation for the pain I am having. And I'm pretty sure it is plantar fasciitis.

I called a foot clinic, and they took my insurance, AND had an opening tomorrow at 2pm! That was way too easy :) It's even a female podiatrist, yay bonus.

So tomorrow I'm going, and I hope she has some good answers for me and some suggestions for treatment. It has really gotten to the point where I can barely convince myself to go for an easy walk, as the pain is so bad. Even though during the walk it gets better, the first 5 mins are hard and then after I'm done, it hurts much worse the entire day. Ow ow ow ow ow. One of the thing the website says is common is that they will give you a split to wear when you sleep, that lengthens the achilles tendon and plantar fascia as you sleep. That sounds like it would help a LOT.

On a happier note - I bought some new clothes. They fit well and make me feel better about myself. I wanted to take pics of all the tops, but the camera wasn't in a nice mood today and I didn't like how I looked in the pics. But, I do have a couple of closeups in one top, and a shot in the mirror from another.

That's all I have for now. I will make another attempt tomorrow at taking pics in all the tops. I need it to be outside in more flattering light, for sure. That just wasn't happening today as Ian's dad is here working on the tile and he cuts the tiles out back where it was shady and a good spot for picture taking :) So hopefully tomorrow I will have more to share. Scratch that. Just found out he's back tomorrow! Hehe. Oh well, sometime soon. Before Chicago, definitely. I did mention I am going to Chicago right??? I'm going next Thursday!

Four Weeks of Workouts

Sorry I haven't posted about my workouts in quite a while. You probably thought I quit! Admit it, that's what you thought! :)

Well for once, it's not the case. I've now been going strong for 4 weeks. I haven't always met the 3x per week, but other times I've done 4, so it evens out. The important thing is I have kept it up consistently for 4 weeks now and I feel great about that. I also have firm plans to work out again tomorrow morning with my dad.

I already posted about week one of my workouts ... I don't know if I have the desire to post play-by-play of 3 more weeks LOL. But let me go over some of the things that have come up.

I have really enjoyed mixing up my workouts where I do 2-3 different things in each one hour session. It really helps me to keep it going.

My mile has not improved much on the track. My speed improved a bit during the first week but has pretty much stayed the same since then. My leg, foot, and back problems really affect my regular walking, and I think it's going to be that way for a while. But, every time I go I start out with my mile on the track, and I hope that eventually I will see improvement there. If I keep it up, it's bound to get better.

I noticed I was developing bad pain in my right knee and calf. I finally realized it was because of the track. See, the direction of the track changes based on the day of the week. M,W,F,Sun you go one way and Tu,Th,Sat you go the other way. Since we were going M W F, I was always going the same direction on the track. That's why I was getting pain in my right leg. So now we were alternating so that one week we go M W F and the next week we go Tu Th Sat. I think this will really help. This is the first week of going Tu Th Sat so we went yesterday and are going again tomorrow.

Also, I've really improved at the ARC trainer. I started with 15 minutes hill intervals, level 1. Now I do level 2 for 30 minutes, and yesterday I even upped the incline manually to the highest it would go, for about a minute 3 different times in the workout. So I'm doing really well with that.

The newest addition to my workouts is my Wii Fit! I got it for Christmas, but today was the first day I really tried it out. I had a lot of fun with it. There is so much to do on there and to see yourself improve at things. I also have the Jillian Michales game for it, but that will have to wait. I might try it out on Friday if I am so inclined.

I was SO happy about the Wii Fit NOT forcing me to look at my weight. It does weigh you, to give you your BMI - but you can choose whether or not to see the weight. It has a separate chart. Did I peek? YES. Hahaha. But the important thing is I can look at it only when I want to. I was afraid I'd be forced to look every time and start fixating on the number on the scale again, which is not the life I want to lead anymore.

Anyway I had a LOT of fun playing the games on there. Here's my cute little Mii character and my chart showing that I did training today:

Isn't that cute? A lot of the games were so cute. If you guys are interested I can take more screenshots and stuff the next time I play, just let me know if you are interested or not :)

So yeah, that's about it but I just wanted you guys to know I've been on top of this! Whoo hooo!

First Week A Success

Well, if I do say so myself, my first week of working out again has been a complete success. I've got the sore muscles and the extra energy to prove it :)

Brandy set up an awesome calendar for us to keep track of our workouts on, to help motivate one another. It's a google doc shared between us so we can both use it and both view it. I have never tracked my workouts this way before, and so far I'm really liking it. When I used to track what I did, all I cared about was minutes of exercise and calories burned. It was all about the weight loss. Now my priorities have changed. What I care about now is getting stronger, healthier, and being able to DO more. Well I have seen in just this one week a big improvement! Here are the days I worked out this week:


Monday 12/15:

9 laps track - 20 mins
15 mins Elliptical
Hills Level 1
15 mins ARC
Hills Intrvl Level 1
2 cooldown laps
TOTAL 55 mins

Wednesday 12/17:

1 mile track - 22mins
(11 laps)
20 mins ARC
Hill Intrvl Level 1
15 Mins Elliptical
Hills Level 1
TOTAL 57 mins

Thursday 12/18:

30 mins strength
training & stretches
15 mins treadmill
2.5-3.0 mph

Saturday 12/20:

1 mile track - 20 mins
(11 laps)
20 mins ARC
Hills Intrvl Level 1
20 mins TrueFit
Elliptical, Hills
TOTAL 60 mins

Firstly, I have to pat myself on the back for already doing a strength training day on Thursday. I wasn't going to even think about starting that until the week after Christmas. However, Ian and I had a talk that day and he was wanting to start getting some activity as well, so I went with him that night. I am STILL very very sore from the stuff I did that night! I did some things with hand weights that have me very sore, as well as doing squats with an exercise ball like this:




Let me tell ya.... OW. It huuurt. But surprisingly my legs aren't sore anymore, even despite working out again today, but my arms still are! I guess because I use them less than my legs on a daily basis.

What I am truly amazed and happy to see is that my cardio has made drastic improvement in only 3 sessions. My mile time went down from about 24 mins (have to guess as it was split up the first time because I couldn't COMPELTE the mile in one shot! ha!) to 22 minutes, to 20 minutes today. The first day I did 15 mins & 15 mins on Arc and Elliptical, then 20 & 15 the second time, and 20 & 20 today. I can only imagine where I will be in a month.

This is what it's all about... getting healthier and stronger. I feel so good about this and also I'm so happy that Ian is joining in. He went with my dad and I today, too!

Plus - I have to tell you how good this felt. When I got done today I walked out to the lobby and my dad and Ian were both sitting there, looking like they had been waiting quite a while... and they had! Like 15 minutes! It felt good to outwork the men :)

Much, MUCH Better

My workout today felt MUCH better than the one on Monday did! I can't believe what a drastic difference I felt on only my second time. My lungs feel a bit tired but they didn't hurt at all, whereas on Monday they really HURT. The pain in the instep of my left foot was MUCH less today as I walked around the track, and wasn't bothering me after the workout, whereas on Monday it hurt very badly the whole day.
Today I did 1 mile around the track in 22 mins... just slightly quicker than Monday but at least it's something. Then I did 20 minutes on the ARC trainer on hills intervals level 1. Then I did 15 minutes on the lifefitness elliptical, hills level 1. Finished off with a couple cooldown laps around the track and some stretching. It felt really good actually!!! I was tired, but I was able to push through it quite a bit easier than Monday. It gave me hope again, feeling like... in a month, how great will I feel??? That's what I care about!
I was talking to my dad about how in a couple of weeks I want to start using Tuesday and Thursday for strength & flexibility training at the other facility. He said he would like to try that out with me as well. That made me very happy, because I will have more accountability to go if he goes, and also because I'm happy he wants to take another step forward with his health and fitness!!!
I had lunch today with Melissa (sis in law) and if she gets offered the part time position she applied for, and we can work around her schedule, she said she'd like to do some of this working out with me too. That would be cool, but I'll try not to count on it, because that doesn't work out too well for me.
One good thing about my dad for accountability.... it's still really relying on myself. I feel more compelled to go because he's going, but he really doesn't say anything if I don't go. I could easily make an excuse and he would say nothing. So I am still learning to make the commitment on my OWN, which is something I need to do. I am done expecting someone else to nag me, urge me, whatever. I need to learn to make that commitment and follow through on it.
Anyway... I am happy to feel such an improvement today. I've been super busy today and have actually had a lot of energy to carry me through the day, which feels really good too!

Back to the Gym

I finally made it to the gym today. I am barely hanging on by a thread to the whole working out thing. I think it's been like 2 weeks since I last went. True, I had to wait for my heel to get better. It still hurts to the touch and hurts to have my sneaker against it, but I am using corn cushions with bandaids over them to cushion it, and with that I was able to make it today.

On one hand, I feel great about my workout today. I walked 20 minutes on the track, did 15 minutes on the elliptical (hill mode), and 15 minutes on the arc trainer (hill intervals), and then a couple more laps around the track to cool down. Nearly an hour altogether which is good for not exercising regularly. I remembered today how much I love that dang arc trainer!

On the other hand though, I couldn't help feeling a bit down about how much my fitness level has changed. Just a couple months ago when I was working out with Brandy I could do a lot more. And when I think back to the days when I was near my lowest weight, in the 240's, I could pretty much kick ass at the gym. Nowhere near my ultimate fitness goals, but compared to today, a very drastic change.

I am sad to say that in the 20 minutes I was on the track, I did 9 laps. That's 2 laps short of a mile. In 20 minutes I didn't even make it a mile. And I was going as fast as I could!!!! That was disappointing to me as I could easily walk 3 miles in 40 minutes before. I also had a pretty hard time on the machines. Everything I do now is riddled with aches and pains, and affected by a smaller lung capacity.

I can't let this give me a negative attitude because there is no room for that. What I did today is a step toward making this BETTER, so I feel very good about that.

Brandy and I had a talk this morning about how our plan of working out together really hasn't been... well... working out! Haha. Her life is much more complicated than mine since she works and has two kids to take care of. It is hard for her to control when things happen and make it there at appointed times. And I have a tendency to rely on these plans and then when they don't happen, I don't go on my own. Part of that is because we plan to work out at 3 or 4 pm, when my energy is lower anyway, and it's too easy to just feel too tired. The other part is I will take any excuse. Ha.

So for now Brandy and I are going to support one another in separate workout efforts... we're trying to set up a google document we can share, like a spreadsheet, to track our workouts, make goals, and keep one another accountable. And maybe in the future we can try working out together again, when we are stronger about sticking to it on our own if plans change.

For now I am going to commit to working out with my dad 3 days per week. Since he's done with his cardio rehab and is on his own, he is sticking to his schedule of 3 days per week, an hour each. It's already a habit for him since he's been doing the rehab since August. He likes to go in the morning, 9-10am, which works much better for me because that is when I have energy and that is when I like to do it and get it out of the way for the day.

I plan to do these 3 days a week with him this week and through christmas next week, and then starting the week after that I would like to add in two days a week of strength & flexibility training. I think I've mentioned this before, but the swim & fitness center near my house has an awesome room for this. They turned one of their raquetball courts into a room just for strength & flexibility stuff. In case I've never posted pics before, here they are:

So anyway, the hope is that by the beginning of January, I'll be working out 5 days a week - 3 cardio, 2 strength training days. Of course the timing sucks as that will be in the midst of all the new years resolutionists, and the gym will be really crowded all the time for a month or two. Oh well. I'll deal. :)

As for Ian... he is on his own. Again, the plan to work out when he gets home is hard for me to stick with because if he says he doesn't feel like it, there's no way I'm doing it on my own at 7pm. Therefore anytime he doesn't do it, I don't do it. He is just going to have to make his own decision to get active. I hope that if he sees me making progress and hears me talking about it all the time, he'll make the effort. I believe in him :)

I'm just tired of sitting around making excuses... time for me to make this happen and start FEELING better!

Exercise & Lunch

I worked out yesterday, finally! Yeah! I was feeling pretty sick to my stomach all morning, so I really had to push myself to go. Now that my dad has finished rehab which was 1 hour of exercise 3 times per week, he has to do it on his own, so we went together yesterday. I was a little concerned that he only did 35 minutes when he has been doing an hour every time. He said he was being cautious since it was his first time. But I argued, you've been doing 1 hour 3x per week for 3 months! But I guess he was a little worried since he's no longer hooked up to electrodes that monitor him and he wanted to make sure he didn't push too hard. That's fine but I hope it's not an excuse. He is doing so well and I want him to stay that way, nice and healthy.

Of course I don't have much room to talk because I am nothing but a bucket of excuses myself. Yesterday although I felt sick, I did go. I walked around the track for 15 mins and my back and feet were screaming at me so then I got on the arc trainer and did 20 minutes there. So 35 mins total, but, I was proud of that. Even with the fact that the rubber part of one of my earphones came off and it hurt my ear.
Today, though, despite waking up and saying "no excuses", I didn't go. I do HAVE an excuse, of course. Last night I only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Ian is still sick and for some reason last night he was louder than any other night during his illness... if he was slightly awake, he was coughing loudly almost continuously. When asleep he was either snoring very loudly or making these very upset/sad-sounding moans and groans. There was seriously not a moment of silence. So I did not get any sleep until he got up at 7:30 am and then I slept until 10:00am. Normally I would have slept longer, but I had plans to get together with my soon to be sister-in-law for lunch at 11:30 so I had to get going to that. Lunch with her was great by the way and I'll get back to that in just a moment.

The whole reason for an early lunch at 11:30 is that all day I was planning to work out with Brandy and/or my dad at 3:15. But when she had to cancel, even though I could have gone with my dad, I bailed. I was just feeling SO very tired. And I knew I couldn't just relax all night because I told Kellie I would come over to her place (where I am now) and be here for moral support while she bangs her head against the wall working on a school project :)

Anyway, I am disappointed in myself for skipping today but at the same time, Intuitive Eating tells me that I shouldn't push my body when I honestly don't have the energy. And I would like to think that was the case today. I am planning to go tomorrow and Friday as well. We shall see.

Now about that lunch with Melissa. We had a very nice time!!! I was a little bit nervous because we have never spent any time together one-on-one before. We have always gotten along well at family functions... we have occasionally talked on the phone when her and Ian were already talking...and we have kept in touch through email while she was living in Arizona. But we haven't had the opportunity to do anything together or just sit and talk. I was feeling nervous because I so badly want this to work out. She is kind of my only chance to have a sibling.
Well, I had nothing to worry about :) I didn't feel awkward at all. She hugged me when she arrived which surprised me because I was already sitting at the table and she hugged me while I was sitting, so she really went out of her way for that one. We had a lot to talk about which was nice, and afterward talked about getting together soon for a coffee at Starbucks since it's been so cold, or maybe seeing a movie soon.

In other news, I've had a couple of good talks with my best friend Sarah in the past week. I really hadn't heard from her much for 2 weeks after my visit out to see her... she had been feeling down and had a lot on her plate. I am glad she's doing better now and that we've had a couple of very nice talks. I love her to pieces!!!!! And I hope she moves back here someday.

Lungs Are Important.

Well you haven't heard from me much lately because I've been totally wiped out. Ian's dad was ripping out the shower stall in our downstairs bathroom, and there turned out to be more mold there. It must have really gotten into the air. Tuesday I was so achey and tired all day. I didn't think a whole lot of it, I thought maybe I was coming down with something. Yesterday when I woke up, I couldn't take deep breaths without my lungs hurting. Throughout the day it got worse and worse until it felt like my lungs were on fire all the time. I was just miserable! I slept for about 4 hours in the middle of the day but still felt awful after. That's when Ian said you know what, it's probably the mold! I honestly hadn't even thought about it, but I am allergic to mold so that would explain me having that reaction.

I opened some windows which wasn't pleasant because it turned cold yesterday and was only about 40 degrees. It really did help though and within a couple of hours my lungs were hurting much less. Ian bleached the mold when he got home and we left the windows open a bit longer, and I was feeling better.

Today my lungs still hurt with deep breaths but it is MUCH better. I think they are just recovering now.

It's so weird, it made my lung capacity so much less. Everything makes me out of breath the past couple days. It's getting better now but man that was weird. It was like gainin 100 pounds overnight or something. So uncomfortable!!! I'm so glad I'm starting to get better, this has NOT been fun.

Bleh.

I'm feeling so lethargic lately. Part of that is I only worked out last Tuesday and this Tuesday. There's been a lot of snags in the way between Brandy (my workout buddy) having sick kiddos & husband at home this past week, and me having a lot going on, and me being apparently unable to push myself to go alone. Last Tuesday was with Brandy and this Tuesday I walked with Ian.

Now of course i'm being blessed with mother nature's monthly gift... so i have no energy at all. My walk Tuesday was ont he verge of impossible even though I only went for 30 mins. Today I'll at least get activity from all the errands I have to run...take care of the kittens... post office... huge grocery shop. But I think true exercise will be on the backburner until at least Sunday.

I'm really hoping that this coming week when I feel all better and Brandy's family feels all better, I can work out SO much more. Cuz right now all I want is to eat chocolate. :-/

Exercise This Week

I got a good workout on Tuesday - elliptical and track. Yay for Brandy going with me! That's it for this week though so far. Things have just been all over the place. Today won't happen either. The guy to work on the downstairs bathroom will be here shortly, and then I have to go shopping for an interview outfit (get to that in a moment), and then my dad is coming over to do the last bit of painting in the bathroom. He'll probably be here til right before Ian comes home, and Ian and I have massage appointments tonight at 7. So yeah, busy day.

I am hoping to work out with Brandy tomorrow sometime between 2:30-5. Tomorrow night I'll be with Kellie and Cori, spending some time with Kellie before her big trip. She's going on a 2 week trip to 9 countries which she is leaving for on Sunday. We might be sending Waddles with her so he can be even more well-traveled!

Happy Developments

I already wrote about some of this on my other blog, but Friday night we got 3 hours of exercise! We had a huge geocaching extravaganza that was a lot of fun but super exhausting, after having already gone for an hour walk prior to that. Then we went back Saturday morning and walked another 30 minutes or so to finish off. We found the cache right away and then mostly walked around trying to figure out why we were so confused. You can read about it and see pictures here.

Here's why I'm so happy... despite all the complaining and friction, at the end of the week Ian had exercised on 4 days. And 3 of them were with me. That is all I could ever hope for!! So maybe it won't be SO difficult to get him going after all. He did still complain, but he did it, and that's what matters.

Saturday we even got a little bit more exercise - about another half hour of walking when we were finding the geocache and retracing our steps to figure out all the confusion. And of course grocery shopping, which is tough work too :)

I'm planning on working out at the rec center with Brandy today, in about 2 hours. Just 2 days off and I'm feeling antsy! That's a good sign, right?

Yesterday :)

Yesterday was laundry day, which is also the day I try to go the rec center by my parents house. Kellie wasn't able to join me again, as she had schoolwork to do, so it was just me. But guess what... Ian went with me!!!!!!!!! He really didn't want to but he knew he needed to, so instead of my convincing him, he was doing the work of convincing himself. That took a lot of weight off my shoulders. It's nice not to feel like I'm forcing him.

What he did was eat while working (tuesday is work from home day), and then on his hour lunch break we went to the rec center. He walked around the track while I did the arc trainer. I think he walked about a mile or so. I did 35 mins on the arc trainer, intervals level 1. It kicked my butt, in a good way though :) The incline parts were so hard. But it was so nice seeing Ian going around the track as I exercised. He may not have been pushing himself like I was, but he was THERE. That's huge progress because it has been so very long since he exercised. He told me afterward that he wanted to stop after the first couple minutes, and then a few minutes later, and then a few minutes later, lol. His biggest weakness really is his legs. I've said this before but for me, my legs can go forever and it's my (lack of ) cardiovascular endurance that makes me wear out. For him, his legs wear out far before his cardiovascular endurance becomes an issue. But you know he was so tired afterward that on one hand it makes him not want to do it, but of course on the other hand makes him realize that he NEEDS to. I said, now what if this were Italy and you walked for 30 minutes and were too tired to see anything else all day? That would suck! He totally gets it.

I hope we can continue to do this on Tuesdays, and if Kellie can come great and if not I'll have my Ian. And I really want us to get some fitness stuff for the Wii, like the Wii Fit and Dance Revolution and things like that. They are just expensive.

Anyway I felt so happy to have him join me. After he finished work, we had soup and salad at Panera Bread and it really hit the spot! Good food tastes so good when you've worked so hard.

Today I'll be walking with Brandy around 3pm, so looking forward to that. So far she's been really consistent and not cancelled on me except for Sunday, but the weather was terrible (40 degrees, rainy, dark) and her son was really sick.

Pushing

I have to really push myself to work out. I fight and fight myself. Today I wanted to cancel on Brandy up to the last second. BUT... I went. That's what matters right? And we are going tomorrow, too! I feel so good about myself for making the effort.

I really wish my stupid heel wasn't such a problem. Besides my foot pain I still deal with a bit of a bone spur on my heel. I had surgery to remove the bone spur back in 2003 I think, but they didn't do a very thorough job and I still have a bit of a bump that just rubs and rubs against the back of my shoe no matter how tight I tie my shoe. Bandaids come off... does anyone have a good suggestion for this???? Those blister bandaids don't work because they're so thin. For non-protruding things they work but for a protruding bump like this it doesn't stop it from blistering. HELP!

Anyway we had a really good walk. I am chatting online with Brandy now and she has the Wii Fit so I was asking her about it. The only problem is it records your weight and you MUST look at it - and I know myself and know I cannot see my weight right now, at least not in these beginning stages. Maybe later one. Right now I need to focus on exercise for how it benefits me and ignore my weight so that it does not become the point. Brandy and I were talking about that and she's managed to get past that. Here are some great things she said:

"It's just a game, I dont care anymore, I think I got to the point were I went completely crazy about the number and lost it and then came back to reality and realized I didn't care anymore as long as I could go outside and have fun without dying and feel healthy. I dont care I just want to feel good and my weight isn't important because the girls on the cover of magazines are not typical, that is society's image, not mine and my family doesn't care as long as I can have fun with them...so I focus on becoming healthy and feeling good."

This is exactly the point behind Intuitive Eating and rejecting the diet mentality.

I told Ian my feet hurt and he wanted to do something nice for me. I couldn't think of anything. So I told him what would make me happiest is if he went for a walk or got some activity tonight even though his legs are tired from yesterday's walk. And he said he will after dinner tonight! He is being so sweet. I feel so happy :)

Workouts, Leftovers and Renovations.... Oh, My!

I think the engagement photo session went well on Saturday! I can't wait to see the result. Ian wasn't really "into" it because he is feeling so bad about how he looks so he doesn't like being in pictures right now. I don't really have that hangup because my weight has fluctuated so much over the years and I'd feel terrible if I had no photos because of my weight. Although I obviously want to work on myself, I am so not in that self-hate mode anymore like he is. You know this whole body image/ body acceptance things is so geared toward women but men are affected too, like my honey. I hope I can teach him to love himself :)

Still doing pretty good on my workouts. Even Saturday turned out to be some work when we went for our photos! We were in the mountains and had to hike uphill a little several times and I was breathing hard!

Yesterday (Tuesday) was supposed to be my workout day with Kellie, but she ended up going to the zoo with her sister & niece & nephew.. I wasn't mad at her whatsoever,but I knew things would come up and I can't count on a workout partner to be there every time. This is why the more workout buddies I have, the better! So I went over my parents house for laundry day - with Ian (yay! he got his work from home day back!)... and I planned to go to the rec center. I was letting my breakfast settle and planning to go work out before I ate lunch. Then it happened... the laziness set in. I started to rationalize in my head all the reasons why I didn't really have to go. In desperation I asked my dad if he would go with me... but he had already exercised in the morning. I even thought to myself "crap, I bet I won't go now. I suck." Then my dad made a comment about going out to run some errands... and I totally jumped on it. I said "Dad will you drop me off at the gym on your way?" Of course I didn't really need him to take me, but I knew it was the only way I was going to get there. He dropped me off and I told him to pick me up 40 mins later.

I spent 30 mins on the arc trainer, fighting the whole time. These workouts are so hard for me now. They used to be easy! That's what I care about, ya know? Not my weight or how I look, but being able to function well, do these workouts... because that means I can do things in the real world like hike, bike, walk, travel... without it being miserable. After the arc trainer I walked around the track 3 times. Not a huge workout, but it was very good for me.

Today I'm working out with Brandy, going for a walk at 2:30. Hopefully I can last an hour again :) If not that's ok too. My calves are sore from yesterday.

My Ian is gone for 3 days :( He's in Arizona on a business trip. He had to leave at 5:30 am today. I couldn't really fall back asleep because it wasn't warm and snuggly in my bed anymore! So that's why I'm blogging early. I hope I can go back to sleep soon. I'm watching the Biggest Loser which for some reason always makes me hungry! Maybe I just know how little calories they eat :) I just saw an arby's commercial and oh how badly I want a roast beef sandwich! At 7 am! LOL. I think I'll go for my leftover omlette instead.

Which brings me to something else I wanted to talk about... LEFTOVERS! I have noticed lately that leftovers - both from restaurants and from stuff made at home - are piling up in the fridge. I may not eat all of them, and that's ok! What this means is that I am actually doing good with Intuitive Eating again, at least when it comes to listening to my fullness. I didn't really think about it but for a long time now I finished almost everything I ever eat... and if I don't, there's only a tiny bit left, not enough to save. So Ian kind of made the point that hey - there's all these little white boxes and tupperware in the fridge! The last 3 days I've been living off of leftovers. It's pretty awesome to think hey, I am eating that much less. And I don't feel remotely like I'm on a diet or I can't eat certain foods. Just watching the portions and stopping when I'm full.

I really want to do some more fun blog entries with pictures and stuff! I hope tomorrow I'll have some time. Today I have to clean things up in the bathroom and empty out the cabinets that we have to move to paint. After my walk with Brandy, my dad's coming over so we can start working on the ceiling & walls in there. I'm hoping this morning I can go shop for the shower curtain and accessories I want, so I can pick out the paint color. Time to start these renovations! If I'm lucky we can get a lot done today and tomorrow so Ian will come home to a brand new bathroom. I'll take before/after pics :)

Hour Walk

Whew. I just got done doing another hour walk with Brandy. I think it was actually an hour and 20 minutes. It kicked my ASS. Today we walked in my neighborhood, and the streets are so slanted. So we'd go downhill one block and turn around and be going uphill the whole next block. Did you know a block feels like FOREVER when it's super uphill? Even the downhill sides started to feel hard after a while because they used totally different muscles. It works out so well walking with her - she is a little slower than her normal self because she has some knee problems... but it's still a good workout for her. Whereas walking with her really speeds me up. I was really pushing myself and it felt great. I would never go that fast and for that long if I were alone.

It's true I am eating some Haagen-Dazs now :) But it is well deserved and it's helping me cool off, too. Sure is nice not feeling guilty to have ice cream. I know dieters are thinking "you're ruining your workout!" But I don't see it that way. It may have calories but it doesn't take away the good work I did for my cardiovascular system and my muscles. Plus it's yummy and makes me happy :) tee hee.

Here's to happiness and health!