So I have been in therapy for two and a half weeks now. So far so good!! Last week didn't go very well for me. I kept up with my food journal, and worked on some of the self care items, including getting a pedicure and looking up church services where I could go and sing (although I haven't tried going yet. I am really hoping to find a weeknight service instead of Sunday, but no luck yet.)
However, when it came to exercise, I didn't get any. Since I sprained my ankle Monday, the next few days it was too sore for me to work out. By the time it got better, my therapy week was over.
Also, when it came to school work and recreation time - the whole "organizing my time" assignment, I really didn't do well.
My appointment was changed back to Friday and I requested that it be a phone appointment... see, I was ready to get back on track and I needed to do a marathon homework day on Friday to help me catch up. I needed to do SIX school lessons, which is a week and a half of work, in one day. I knew if I spent 3 hours going to therapy, the odds would be I couldn't get that accomplished. She agreed so we did my one hour appointment over the phone which left me the rest of the day.
I'm happy to say I DID get my six lessons done on Friday!!! It basically took me the entire day other than meals and my phone appointment. Which unfortunately - again - left no workout time and I was exhausted after. But I felt great because I accomplished my goal, plus quite a few things around the house that I needed to do like dishes, laundry, and making dinner!
THE APPOINTMENT:
So here is what we discussed on Friday. I basically had to tell her that I didn't accomplish any of the assignments she had given me... other than getting a pedicure. I felt pretty bad... I felt like I "wasted" my week. She was so great though... she assured me that a resistance to change is normal, and I shouldn't feel guilty about it.... and that I had already taken a big step to get back on track by making the most of Friday.
She strikes a great balance because while she did ease my guilt over last week, she was also very firm in telling me that I need to take responsibility for my actions this week and truly commit to trying the things we have talked about.
She said I am stuck in a cycle, much like a mouse on a wheel. I go through feeling lazy and unaccomplished and wanting to get better at how I use my time and accomplishing my goals... and then I go to the extreme and sort of wear myself out, then I get back to being lazy and over and over again I go through this same cycle. I need to have a schedule and learn to stick to it. Much like almost everything else "intuitive" (eating, self-care, etc) I need to start out by paying a lot of attention to this and commiting to stick with it, but in the future I can be much more flexible with it and I won't have to think about it nearly as much.
She wants me to commit to our time schedule plan for three weeks without straying from it, because that is supposedly the length of time it takes to create a habit. Three weeks seems like suuuuch a long time to me right now, but hey, I have two very successful days under my belt so I guess I am on my way.
The basic schedule I am following right now is spending my first hour awake doing the things I enjoy and like to start my day with... this is writing snail mail to my friends back home, checking emails, checking in on facebook, and looking at photos on Flickr. I am to limit this to 30-60 minutes.
Then I grab my breakfast, bring it up to my desk and start working on school work. Once I am caught up this will only be 1-2 hours per day, but right now it is much more since I'm behind. My current classes end this coming Friday, so after that I am starting fresh and won't be behind anymore as long as I stay on schedule.
After my classwork is complete I can choose to either have some recreation time (tv,internet,etc) while I eat lunch and for a couple hours after.... then do my workout. Or, reverse that... do my workout, then eat lunch and have recreation time.
This recreation time is my "unstructured" recreation time... tv/internet mindlessness stuff. The other thing I need to work in is spending time with 'productive' recreation time - working on my hobbies like digital scrapbooking and photography... and of course, blogging! I have a tendency to just stick with the mindlessness activities because I just get lazy. Laziness is my BIGGEST problem and it affects everything... so this is something I am working on. I need to spend more time on my hobbies. I enjoy them, so why don't I spend time on them??? No reason except for laziness.
I am also working on dedicating time each day to regular chores like dishes, laundry, cleaning and straightening, etc... as well as crossing miscellaneous items off my to do list.
Right now the only part we have "scheduled" is the hour of recreation time in the morning, followed by school work, followed by a workout. The rest I am just doing my best to start incorporating also, as part of working on my self-care.
THIS WEEK SO FAR:
The weekend is less structured since I do school during the week like a regular work week. But this weekend I managed to do several productive things like laundry, grocery shopping, and cooking meals, so I feel really good about that.
Yesterday (Monday) was my first "scheduled" day and I think I did really well.
After my hour of 'fun' in the morning, I got straight to work and stayed focused. I managed to have three school lessons completed by lunch time.
I had my lunch and watched my shows from sunday night, trying to let my food settle. Unfortunately by the time my food settled I felt really tired so I took a nap, and when I got up I had no desire to work out. But I managed to make several phone calls I'd been putting off, and get most of the work done on our calendars for Christmas, so it was definitely a successful day.
Today (Tuesday) was even better - even though I woke up with a MIGRAINE! UGH! I felt so so so crappy. So I got up slowly, took a long hot shower, and had breakfast with a big dose of Excedrin. Then I spent my recreational hour, and by the time I was done with that my head felt much better. It took me longer than usual, but I managed to still get all three school lessons completed! I took a break in the middle for lunch with Ian (he works from home on Tuesdays.)
I wasn't finished with school until about 3pm... but I did it. My stomach didn't feel settled yet, so I finished up our calendars... and at 4pm I did my 30 minute workout! I am stunned I managed to do a workout on a day I woke up with a migraine.
And now I'm blogging... and when I'm done, I'm going to catch up on my photos. All in all a 100% successful day. I have also had a great eating day :)
I may have lost some time but I feel like I am making a lot of progress right now. All in all great feelings. I'm going to keep working on making each day a great on-schedule day and my next appointment is this Friday at 12 :) Hopefully this weekend I will be able to blog again... and next week I will be feeling free because I will have finished the two classes that I got so behind on, and I will be in two new classes. They actually start tomorrow but I won't be starting them til Monday since I am already behind. But next week's workload will be quite a bit lighter. :)
I just love Dr. Kate. She is really supportive and I feel like she REALLY understands me and addresses my problems the right way. She knows I need constructive criticism instead of tough love... she frees me from guilt yet is firm about my taking responsibility for my actions. She is treating me as a whole, instead of just trying ti 'fix' one part of me. This may take a while, but I have NEVER felt so positive about improving my life!
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Monday, November 30, 2009
First Week in Therapy
I didn't blog sooner because there wasn't that much to say about the first appointment I had. It was two hours long, but it was mostly about her getting to know me and my history. She was pretty impressed at all the work I put into getting ready for the appointment. We pretty much spent the session going through all of those points and talking about them. I had a good first impression of 'Dr. Kate' and I felt pretty confident she would be able to help me... I just didn't have a whole lot to share since I did most of the talking in the first session.
My homework for the first week was pretty simple. She wanted to me to keep a food journal, but to try and do so without trying to change anything I ate, and she wanted me to try very hard to stay in a non-judgmental place of observation. She didn't want me feeling guilty or assigning 'good' and 'bad' to what I ate.
This turned out to be easier than I thought. I didn't have to measure foods or count calories or points, just write down generally what I ate, what time, and any feelings I may have had.
I had one bad day - that Monday. It was the first day of period week and I was extra hungry, so I found myself eating and eating... but then even once I was no longer hungry, it seemed to turn into a food fest for me. I just kept munching all day long and I felt myself feeling really crappy afterward. Very lethargic and most of all guilty for having been so out of control.
I struggled with 'admitting' all of this in my food journal. It's funny, in the past when food journaling on Weight Watchers, there were times I'd omit things even though no one was ever going to see it besides me. Here I am actually going to show the journal to her, and I actually managed to write down every single thing I had eaten, and how out of control I had felt. Miraculously, I think it actually helped me... because in the past that would have turned into 2-3 days of the same behavior, but this time it stopped after one day and I had a pretty good week of normal eating.
Besides the food journal and being aware of any emotional eating, the other homework I had for my first week was to come up with at least 5 "self-care items"... see, she doesn't only focus on Intuitive Eating... she includes that as a part of Intuitive Self Care. I really like that she is trying to help me improve all areas of my life because I know that all areas of my life have something to do with my health. I obviously have plenty of emotional issues and food is how I deal with them.
I had a harder time coming up with self care items than I thought I would. Part of the problem is a lot of the things I thought of cost too much for me to do them on a weekly or monthly basis... like pedicures and massages. I still put them on the list but without any sort of regular timing. I will probably get a pedicure this coming week with a friend, but it may be 2 months before I get another one. (I haven't gotten one since before my wedding six months ago!) I put massage on the list, but I'm planning to get one at the massage school clinic so that it will be cheaper and I won't expect as much. I'm so picky about massages since I am a massage therapist myself, and I haven't been completely happy with any of the massages I've gotten, even when I've paid a LOT.
The third item on my list was "make more time for digital scrapbooking." Even though I have plenty of TIME to scrapbook, I just don't do it very often. I get into a lazy mode where all I want to do is 'veg' and I don't want to put any energy into anything. Thus the lack of blogging, keeping up on photos, scrapbooking, whatever it may be. Lately my scrapbooking track record is once a month or even less... for something I actually enjoy doing! Why is that? So I really need to start making some creative time for that.
The fourth item on my list was "find somewhere to sing with a group." I was in choir in high school and it was such a great thing for me. I also used to love singing at church. I haven't done either of these things in so long. I haven't even been to a church since I moved here almost four years ago. I don't really know where I stand with my faith and that's one thing that has kept me from going. I felt like going just to enjoy the music was blasphemy or something. I also haven't tried to join any choirs since I can't site read. In high school the choir director would sing each part and I'd learn by ear... but when I tried to join in college, that didn't happen and so I was completely lost trying to learn my part.
I didn't have a 5th item on my list when I went, but after the fact I realized making time for my blogging and pictures should be #5.
So... now for the 2nd appointment, which was on Black Friday. Ian took me since he had the day off and that was really nice to have his company on the drive. He did meet Dr Kate, but he didn't join the session. She said she'd love to have some couples sessions with us in the future but this was only our 2nd one so we had plenty to work on without him.
Anyway, she asked me to tell her about my week. I asked if she wanted to see the food journal and she said I didn't have to share. But I wanted to so she gladly looked it over. We talked about the out of control eating the one day and how I felt about it.
We talked about things that had happened with my best friend... the bad stuff from a couple weeks ago, but also the really good stuff that happened this week, which was that Sarah was incredibly supportive. I totally admitted to her about my Monday and how bad it was, and she made me feel so much better. She said it's a process, and there's going to be hard times but she is going to be there for me through all of it.
Let's see.... as for my self-care list, she thought everything I came up with was great. She especially liked the singing idea. I told her I hadn't gone after it because I wasn't sure if it was really ok to go to church just to sing. But she said spirituality comes in many different forms, and it's something I have to figure out for myself, and that if singing and worship makes me feel good and nourishes my soul, then it's definitely something I should pursue. I see her point and when I told Ian that, he instantly agreed... which really surprised me because he's so anti-organized-religion... but he totally thinks I should go if it would make me happy to sing like that. So I guess I will start looking into it! I feel more excited about it now and I really miss singing on a regular basis.
As for the things on my list that I have to "make time for"... this brought up a whole conversation about organizing and structuring my time. I think this is a really important area for me. Ever since I stopped working last year, my time has been very unstructured. At first I loved the feeling of freedom that came along with that. Being able to do what I wanted, when I wanted.. it's not something we often get to do in our adult lives. But now that I've settled into it, I've found that I'm really not making good USE of my time anymore. I have enough time to do school and to keep up on hobbies, and exercise, and whatever else... but I find myself just in this zombie state half the time where I feel lazy and just don't want to do anything. I know a lot of that is lack of energy from my weight, and my sleep apnea... but I need to try to change that.
She said I really need to find a way to structure my time.. not necessarily by the hour, or planning out what is on certain days... but just experimenting with different things and figuring out what works best for me. For example do I want to do school work an hour or two a day, or like 6 hours a couple days a week. When do I want to make time for my scrapbooking. What time of day works best for me to exercise. I am supposed to experiment with all of this stuff this week and try to see what works best for me. I don't even know if I'll HAVE time to scrapbook this week because there is so much I want to get done around the house while Ian is in Boston... but I am sure going to try.
OK I feel like I am really rambling here so I better wrap this up... but basically that's a lot of what we talked about the first couple of weeks and what I am working on. This week my appointment is on Thursday so I will report back again after that!
My homework for the first week was pretty simple. She wanted to me to keep a food journal, but to try and do so without trying to change anything I ate, and she wanted me to try very hard to stay in a non-judgmental place of observation. She didn't want me feeling guilty or assigning 'good' and 'bad' to what I ate.
This turned out to be easier than I thought. I didn't have to measure foods or count calories or points, just write down generally what I ate, what time, and any feelings I may have had.
I had one bad day - that Monday. It was the first day of period week and I was extra hungry, so I found myself eating and eating... but then even once I was no longer hungry, it seemed to turn into a food fest for me. I just kept munching all day long and I felt myself feeling really crappy afterward. Very lethargic and most of all guilty for having been so out of control.
I struggled with 'admitting' all of this in my food journal. It's funny, in the past when food journaling on Weight Watchers, there were times I'd omit things even though no one was ever going to see it besides me. Here I am actually going to show the journal to her, and I actually managed to write down every single thing I had eaten, and how out of control I had felt. Miraculously, I think it actually helped me... because in the past that would have turned into 2-3 days of the same behavior, but this time it stopped after one day and I had a pretty good week of normal eating.
Besides the food journal and being aware of any emotional eating, the other homework I had for my first week was to come up with at least 5 "self-care items"... see, she doesn't only focus on Intuitive Eating... she includes that as a part of Intuitive Self Care. I really like that she is trying to help me improve all areas of my life because I know that all areas of my life have something to do with my health. I obviously have plenty of emotional issues and food is how I deal with them.
I had a harder time coming up with self care items than I thought I would. Part of the problem is a lot of the things I thought of cost too much for me to do them on a weekly or monthly basis... like pedicures and massages. I still put them on the list but without any sort of regular timing. I will probably get a pedicure this coming week with a friend, but it may be 2 months before I get another one. (I haven't gotten one since before my wedding six months ago!) I put massage on the list, but I'm planning to get one at the massage school clinic so that it will be cheaper and I won't expect as much. I'm so picky about massages since I am a massage therapist myself, and I haven't been completely happy with any of the massages I've gotten, even when I've paid a LOT.
The third item on my list was "make more time for digital scrapbooking." Even though I have plenty of TIME to scrapbook, I just don't do it very often. I get into a lazy mode where all I want to do is 'veg' and I don't want to put any energy into anything. Thus the lack of blogging, keeping up on photos, scrapbooking, whatever it may be. Lately my scrapbooking track record is once a month or even less... for something I actually enjoy doing! Why is that? So I really need to start making some creative time for that.
The fourth item on my list was "find somewhere to sing with a group." I was in choir in high school and it was such a great thing for me. I also used to love singing at church. I haven't done either of these things in so long. I haven't even been to a church since I moved here almost four years ago. I don't really know where I stand with my faith and that's one thing that has kept me from going. I felt like going just to enjoy the music was blasphemy or something. I also haven't tried to join any choirs since I can't site read. In high school the choir director would sing each part and I'd learn by ear... but when I tried to join in college, that didn't happen and so I was completely lost trying to learn my part.
I didn't have a 5th item on my list when I went, but after the fact I realized making time for my blogging and pictures should be #5.
So... now for the 2nd appointment, which was on Black Friday. Ian took me since he had the day off and that was really nice to have his company on the drive. He did meet Dr Kate, but he didn't join the session. She said she'd love to have some couples sessions with us in the future but this was only our 2nd one so we had plenty to work on without him.
Anyway, she asked me to tell her about my week. I asked if she wanted to see the food journal and she said I didn't have to share. But I wanted to so she gladly looked it over. We talked about the out of control eating the one day and how I felt about it.
We talked about things that had happened with my best friend... the bad stuff from a couple weeks ago, but also the really good stuff that happened this week, which was that Sarah was incredibly supportive. I totally admitted to her about my Monday and how bad it was, and she made me feel so much better. She said it's a process, and there's going to be hard times but she is going to be there for me through all of it.
Let's see.... as for my self-care list, she thought everything I came up with was great. She especially liked the singing idea. I told her I hadn't gone after it because I wasn't sure if it was really ok to go to church just to sing. But she said spirituality comes in many different forms, and it's something I have to figure out for myself, and that if singing and worship makes me feel good and nourishes my soul, then it's definitely something I should pursue. I see her point and when I told Ian that, he instantly agreed... which really surprised me because he's so anti-organized-religion... but he totally thinks I should go if it would make me happy to sing like that. So I guess I will start looking into it! I feel more excited about it now and I really miss singing on a regular basis.
As for the things on my list that I have to "make time for"... this brought up a whole conversation about organizing and structuring my time. I think this is a really important area for me. Ever since I stopped working last year, my time has been very unstructured. At first I loved the feeling of freedom that came along with that. Being able to do what I wanted, when I wanted.. it's not something we often get to do in our adult lives. But now that I've settled into it, I've found that I'm really not making good USE of my time anymore. I have enough time to do school and to keep up on hobbies, and exercise, and whatever else... but I find myself just in this zombie state half the time where I feel lazy and just don't want to do anything. I know a lot of that is lack of energy from my weight, and my sleep apnea... but I need to try to change that.
She said I really need to find a way to structure my time.. not necessarily by the hour, or planning out what is on certain days... but just experimenting with different things and figuring out what works best for me. For example do I want to do school work an hour or two a day, or like 6 hours a couple days a week. When do I want to make time for my scrapbooking. What time of day works best for me to exercise. I am supposed to experiment with all of this stuff this week and try to see what works best for me. I don't even know if I'll HAVE time to scrapbook this week because there is so much I want to get done around the house while Ian is in Boston... but I am sure going to try.
OK I feel like I am really rambling here so I better wrap this up... but basically that's a lot of what we talked about the first couple of weeks and what I am working on. This week my appointment is on Thursday so I will report back again after that!
Thursday, November 12, 2009
So Much to Say...
I'm here! I just want you all to know that although I've been very quiet here, a lot has been going on and I have much to tell you. I really don't know the correct order to go in so forgive me if this post jumps around.
I guess the best place to begin is by telling you I've begun. This week I started walking. Even though I didn't know what my "plan" was going to be for getting healthier, I just wanted to do something... help myself get back in the right mind set.
There is a great trail here in our new neighborhood, down at the end of my street. I like it because it's mostly gravel, it's hilly but not too steep, and I can go lots of different directions. The weather has been great too. I walked Monday for 26 mins, Tuesday for 30 mins, and yesterday for 35 mins. It felt wonderful. It's hard.. and makes me sad that just walking is so hard, but that is just the reality at my current weight and fitness level. The first day I walked alone, the second day with my dad, and the third day with my sister in law so that was really fun. Today I took a break because my foot pain is so bad. It's hard to fight through that, but if I rest it for a day and then get back out there, I should be okay. The thing about plantar fasciitis is that it has to be rested when it gets bad. It's not like a sore muscle and it's good to work it and it will get stronger. It's the fascia pulling away from the bone and you don't want to risk pulling it away completely. So I have to learn to respect that.
It's difficult because I am fending off those feelings of "3 days and I'm taking a break?" but I know truly, through and through that it is not because I don't want to go walking or don't feel like it. I'm just trying to be good to my foot. Oooh, in fact I just had an idea... maybe I'll do some floor exercises! Like some stretching and some push ups and stuff. Yes, that sounds good.
Anyway, back to the topic at hand. I took a step. I have been afraid for so long to take a step. Here is why.
I am done with diets, and weight watchers, and everything I've tried in the past. It's not success if it's not lasting. It doesn't work if it stops working. Know what I mean? And I no longer blame myself for quitting these things. I am released from that. I know they don't work for me, are unrealistic for me, and will not bring me lasting success. So what will? Ah, that is where the fear comes in.
I read the Intuitive Eating book and the truth of the matter is it changed my way of thinking and changed my entire life. It opened my eyes and helped me free myself from guilt and regret, from the sense of failure, and showed me that I need to find a new way. However, my problem with it was that there really is NO structure whatsoever... no guidance to help me figure out how to take the principles and change my life with them. Everything in the book made sense to me, and at first I lost weight just being mindful of my fullness levels and getting a little activity. But, that stopped, and I gained a lot more weight. Lately I've been trying to evaluate WHY.
It scared me that I was actually able to find the thing that felt like THE answer for me, and it just "wore off". I stopped thinking about it and stopped putting in the effort, even though I truly didn't even think it was hard to do! Obviously there is some buried emotional stuff in there that needs to be dealt with.
I've been scared to make a move, to try something else that won't work out. I know Intuitive Eating is what I want to do, but I don't know how to do it and stick to it and also work through my emotional issues.
So this leaves me needing a balance. Too much structure with too many restrictions = a program I won't stick with. Too little structure and no guidance = it's too easy to just forget and not try.
It has been so freeing that I finally like myself and don't feel guilty or feel like a failure anymore. I've been really happy, and that is a huge accomplishment. I don't look in the mirror and feel ugly all the time.
The funny thing is that I am heavier than ever!!!!!!!!!! And that is just not healthy. As the title of this blog implies, there are two things that are important to me as my goals - health and happiness. And of course AS HAPPY AS I FEEL, I AM NOT TRULY HAPPY THROUGH AND THROUGH KNOWING THAT I AM UNHEALTHY.
So, over the past several weeks, ever since I did my first post here, I have been trying to figure out what to do. What is my plan. What do I think COULD work for me, and have lasting success?
There are only two things of which I am sure. ONE - I need to figure out and address the emotional issues behind my habits, my weight, and what truly makes me tick. Counseling is what I need, and have never done before. TWO - the counselor needs to believe in the same things I do, and support the concept of Intuitive Eating. If a counselor is brainwashed by the diet mentality and tried to tell me being on a strict diet and exercising 30 mins a day 5 days a week forever is the ONLY way I will succeed, well, they will only damage me further.
This led me to doing an internet search last week, looking for counselors who support Intuitive Eating. There is one here in Denver that sounds very very good to me.
I am not 100% sure yet if I want to, or should, share her name so for right now I will just call her Dr. Kate because I loooove Kate Walsh on Private Practice :) (She plays Addison Montgomery and used to be on Grey's Anatomy.)
So, I pretty much knew I wanted to call Dr. Kate and try to see here but two things stood in my way. One if the fear that once I start something, I know I'm going to have to see it through and never give up if I want to succeed, and let's face it that scares most of us!! The other is of course, cost. Therapy from a qualified professional is pricey. Luckily I am so blessed with a dad who always wants to help me, no strings attached. He said he will pay for the therapy, and he won't be upset if it doesn't work for me, as long as I try my best. All that was left was conquering that fear.
I think when I took that first walk, I decided I was ready, and I was totally going to call her. Then my world got turned upside down. I texted my best friend, who has always been my weight loss support buddy, and told her I got started. Instead of being met with encouragement, I was told she refused to encourage me because she doesn't believe I will ever succeed at this.
Much more was said, but I don't really want to share it. It was all very hurtful, and coming from someone so close to me who I thought would always support me was extremely difficult. She has since apologized and told me there is a lot more going on and it had nothing to do with me and she blew up at me for no reason... but it is going to take some time to try and put that aside and trust her again, and believe that she does not think I am doomed tobe a failure.
I'm sure most of you can relate to this because we are all afraid of failure when it comes to weight loss, and at least for me a part of me thinks she's right and I'll never be able to do it, and that's why it hurt so much. But, I have tried to keep going regardless, and went for two more walks the next two days. Eating has been great too in the fact that I haven't binged or overeaten, despite my emotional stress.
it did take me a couple more days to want to call Dr. Kate though... because now my fear of making a decision and trying this again is even higher, and I'm so afraid of failing or quitting. But what am I supposed to do, NOT TRY? Of course not. So, I called her today.
I felt comfortable talking with her, I feel like we are on the same page, and I really think she will be able to help me.
My first session is next week, on Friday the 20th. It will be a two hour session so that she can get to know me, my story, and how she can help me. I am really looking forward to it. In the mean time I'll just keep doing what I have started, getting some activity, trying not to eat emotionally, etc.
I think I'll also be making a timeline of my ups and downs with weight and trying to evaluate my emotional state as it was when I would stop and gain weight back. I just want to really look at my life and try to get a grasp on it. I may not have any answers yet, but at least I'll have something to talk to Dr Kate about and maybe she can help me find those answers!
So throughout this week I may be posting tidbits as I reflect back on my journey of ups and downs I have been on, and any revelations I may have, or questions I come up with. Some of you have been with me a LONG time so maybe you will have some opinions too.
I just want to make one thing clear. I value your opinions and I want to hear them... but I do not want to hear about anything that goes against what I am planning to do right now. I feel this is right for me and will be an important step in my process. I have already been very discouraged this week, and do not need any more of that. Thank you in advance.
Hope you will all come along with me on this ride. No matter what, it should be interesting!
I guess the best place to begin is by telling you I've begun. This week I started walking. Even though I didn't know what my "plan" was going to be for getting healthier, I just wanted to do something... help myself get back in the right mind set.
There is a great trail here in our new neighborhood, down at the end of my street. I like it because it's mostly gravel, it's hilly but not too steep, and I can go lots of different directions. The weather has been great too. I walked Monday for 26 mins, Tuesday for 30 mins, and yesterday for 35 mins. It felt wonderful. It's hard.. and makes me sad that just walking is so hard, but that is just the reality at my current weight and fitness level. The first day I walked alone, the second day with my dad, and the third day with my sister in law so that was really fun. Today I took a break because my foot pain is so bad. It's hard to fight through that, but if I rest it for a day and then get back out there, I should be okay. The thing about plantar fasciitis is that it has to be rested when it gets bad. It's not like a sore muscle and it's good to work it and it will get stronger. It's the fascia pulling away from the bone and you don't want to risk pulling it away completely. So I have to learn to respect that.
It's difficult because I am fending off those feelings of "3 days and I'm taking a break?" but I know truly, through and through that it is not because I don't want to go walking or don't feel like it. I'm just trying to be good to my foot. Oooh, in fact I just had an idea... maybe I'll do some floor exercises! Like some stretching and some push ups and stuff. Yes, that sounds good.
Anyway, back to the topic at hand. I took a step. I have been afraid for so long to take a step. Here is why.
I am done with diets, and weight watchers, and everything I've tried in the past. It's not success if it's not lasting. It doesn't work if it stops working. Know what I mean? And I no longer blame myself for quitting these things. I am released from that. I know they don't work for me, are unrealistic for me, and will not bring me lasting success. So what will? Ah, that is where the fear comes in.
I read the Intuitive Eating book and the truth of the matter is it changed my way of thinking and changed my entire life. It opened my eyes and helped me free myself from guilt and regret, from the sense of failure, and showed me that I need to find a new way. However, my problem with it was that there really is NO structure whatsoever... no guidance to help me figure out how to take the principles and change my life with them. Everything in the book made sense to me, and at first I lost weight just being mindful of my fullness levels and getting a little activity. But, that stopped, and I gained a lot more weight. Lately I've been trying to evaluate WHY.
It scared me that I was actually able to find the thing that felt like THE answer for me, and it just "wore off". I stopped thinking about it and stopped putting in the effort, even though I truly didn't even think it was hard to do! Obviously there is some buried emotional stuff in there that needs to be dealt with.
I've been scared to make a move, to try something else that won't work out. I know Intuitive Eating is what I want to do, but I don't know how to do it and stick to it and also work through my emotional issues.
So this leaves me needing a balance. Too much structure with too many restrictions = a program I won't stick with. Too little structure and no guidance = it's too easy to just forget and not try.
It has been so freeing that I finally like myself and don't feel guilty or feel like a failure anymore. I've been really happy, and that is a huge accomplishment. I don't look in the mirror and feel ugly all the time.
The funny thing is that I am heavier than ever!!!!!!!!!! And that is just not healthy. As the title of this blog implies, there are two things that are important to me as my goals - health and happiness. And of course AS HAPPY AS I FEEL, I AM NOT TRULY HAPPY THROUGH AND THROUGH KNOWING THAT I AM UNHEALTHY.
So, over the past several weeks, ever since I did my first post here, I have been trying to figure out what to do. What is my plan. What do I think COULD work for me, and have lasting success?
There are only two things of which I am sure. ONE - I need to figure out and address the emotional issues behind my habits, my weight, and what truly makes me tick. Counseling is what I need, and have never done before. TWO - the counselor needs to believe in the same things I do, and support the concept of Intuitive Eating. If a counselor is brainwashed by the diet mentality and tried to tell me being on a strict diet and exercising 30 mins a day 5 days a week forever is the ONLY way I will succeed, well, they will only damage me further.
This led me to doing an internet search last week, looking for counselors who support Intuitive Eating. There is one here in Denver that sounds very very good to me.
I am not 100% sure yet if I want to, or should, share her name so for right now I will just call her Dr. Kate because I loooove Kate Walsh on Private Practice :) (She plays Addison Montgomery and used to be on Grey's Anatomy.)
So, I pretty much knew I wanted to call Dr. Kate and try to see here but two things stood in my way. One if the fear that once I start something, I know I'm going to have to see it through and never give up if I want to succeed, and let's face it that scares most of us!! The other is of course, cost. Therapy from a qualified professional is pricey. Luckily I am so blessed with a dad who always wants to help me, no strings attached. He said he will pay for the therapy, and he won't be upset if it doesn't work for me, as long as I try my best. All that was left was conquering that fear.
I think when I took that first walk, I decided I was ready, and I was totally going to call her. Then my world got turned upside down. I texted my best friend, who has always been my weight loss support buddy, and told her I got started. Instead of being met with encouragement, I was told she refused to encourage me because she doesn't believe I will ever succeed at this.
Much more was said, but I don't really want to share it. It was all very hurtful, and coming from someone so close to me who I thought would always support me was extremely difficult. She has since apologized and told me there is a lot more going on and it had nothing to do with me and she blew up at me for no reason... but it is going to take some time to try and put that aside and trust her again, and believe that she does not think I am doomed tobe a failure.
I'm sure most of you can relate to this because we are all afraid of failure when it comes to weight loss, and at least for me a part of me thinks she's right and I'll never be able to do it, and that's why it hurt so much. But, I have tried to keep going regardless, and went for two more walks the next two days. Eating has been great too in the fact that I haven't binged or overeaten, despite my emotional stress.
it did take me a couple more days to want to call Dr. Kate though... because now my fear of making a decision and trying this again is even higher, and I'm so afraid of failing or quitting. But what am I supposed to do, NOT TRY? Of course not. So, I called her today.
I felt comfortable talking with her, I feel like we are on the same page, and I really think she will be able to help me.
My first session is next week, on Friday the 20th. It will be a two hour session so that she can get to know me, my story, and how she can help me. I am really looking forward to it. In the mean time I'll just keep doing what I have started, getting some activity, trying not to eat emotionally, etc.
I think I'll also be making a timeline of my ups and downs with weight and trying to evaluate my emotional state as it was when I would stop and gain weight back. I just want to really look at my life and try to get a grasp on it. I may not have any answers yet, but at least I'll have something to talk to Dr Kate about and maybe she can help me find those answers!
So throughout this week I may be posting tidbits as I reflect back on my journey of ups and downs I have been on, and any revelations I may have, or questions I come up with. Some of you have been with me a LONG time so maybe you will have some opinions too.
I just want to make one thing clear. I value your opinions and I want to hear them... but I do not want to hear about anything that goes against what I am planning to do right now. I feel this is right for me and will be an important step in my process. I have already been very discouraged this week, and do not need any more of that. Thank you in advance.
Hope you will all come along with me on this ride. No matter what, it should be interesting!
Monday, October 5, 2009
Let's Talk About Being Happy
Hellooooo health bloggers. I know, it's been a very long time since I blogged about exercise, weight loss, health, etc. I'm finally feeling ready to start doing it again.
Now, I don't want you to get your hopes up :) I don't plan on "dieting" such as following weight watchers, using spark people, counting calories, etc. I won't be beating myself up when I eat a cheeseburger, or chastising myself for "missing" a workout. I won't be making charts and graphs (I don't think), weighing in weekly, or setting goals for pounds lost at specific times. There is NOTHING wrong with those things and if you do them, more power to you. I just know that for me, it doesn't work - can't work - long term and I need a new approach.
I am past all of that, and don't wish to ever do it again. I want to be an intuitive eater, and I want to be more fit and healthy. Here's the thing... Intuitive Eating is just like anything else - it's hard to adapt to, its easy to get lazy and ignore my health goals for myself. So somewhere I have to strike a balance between being a dieter and being a true Intuitive Eater. One is too strict and the other is not strict enough. This blog from this point forward will be about me trying to find that balance.
I will say this - I have given up on unrealistic goals. Not because I think I could never achieve them, but because I have found that it makes me unhappy trying to do so.
What I mean is this. I have been at this (trying to lose weight) on and off as long as I can remember. I've been a weight loss blogger for EIGHT. YEARS. I've gone up and down, up and down and now I feel like I have finally figured out what the problem is. The problem is my body has a natural weight it is comfortable at - that weight being about 250lbs.
Every time I've tried to lose weight, my body has gotten stuck around that weight. Then after continuing to do well, or trying to change things up to lose a little more, I get frustrated that the scale won't move and I "give up" and start eating whatever I want, and not exercising, because what's the point if I can't lose more? I have managed to get as low as 239, but I had to fight my way tooth and nail - and have a stomach flu - for it to happen. However in the 250-260 range, my body stays there pretty naturally. Even when I would start going off the deep end and stuffing my face, it would take a long time to gain if I was somewhere in the 250's.
So I have concluded something. I need to take my newfound attitude of being happy with myself, and apply it when I reach that weight range. I am pretty happy with myself now, weighing around 300. Something I never thought could be possible. Yet, I am uncomfortable physically. My clothes don't fit right even when they are big enough, and I just don't feel "good." So... some weight needs to come off. But this time, when I get to that magic range, I won't let ANYONE make me feel like I am still 100 lbs overweight. Though that may be true based on charts, for me I think its the right weight.
So can I just make this claim to all of you and let it settle in...... I CAN BE TRULY HAPPY AT 250LBS. I know there are many of you out there that weigh less than that - even under 200 - and aren't happy.... and how brazen you must think I am to make such a claim. But for me, it's true. We are all different and for me, that is my truth.
Let's take a second here and just LOOK at me weighing in the 250's. What did I look like? How did I feel? What did I do?
Does this girl look fat and unhappy?
Now a lot of people might say yes of course I still looked fat. And you are welcome to your opinion, I mean yes, I weighed around 250 lbs in these photos. But for me, it's a great time in my life when I felt good, felt like I looked good, found clothes easily, didn't have trouble doing active things, and I felt pretty "normal."
Nowadays, I am not feeling that way. I'm feeling uncomfortable and lazy. Let's compare to me right now.
I have grown a lot in these 50 lbs I have gained. What's funny is I feel better about myself now than I ever LET MYSELF FEEL when I weight 250. I vow never to do that again. I want to keep the good attitude I have now, but work toward feeling physically better, and being healthier. Never again will I be on a journey to lose 100-150 lbs. Now it's just 50. And I don't care how long it takes, either... I just want to be going in the right direction.
How I get there... that's going to be the next big blog post. Because I need to work on finding that balance between restriction, and free-for-all.
Right now I have less than a week until I move. I am going to be working on some better food choices this week, but probably not "working out." I'll be getting good activity preparing for the move. And a couple walks would be good for me too.
Anyway I would LOVE to go on and on, but I'll save more for the next post. Thank you to any of you who are still hanging out here with me :) I hope you can follow along with me as I take an unconventional approach to weight loss... one without time constraints, guilt, will power, and al the other things we are used to. I am excited about it, but it will also be a challenge. There are no rules for how to have no rules!!! :)
Now, I don't want you to get your hopes up :) I don't plan on "dieting" such as following weight watchers, using spark people, counting calories, etc. I won't be beating myself up when I eat a cheeseburger, or chastising myself for "missing" a workout. I won't be making charts and graphs (I don't think), weighing in weekly, or setting goals for pounds lost at specific times. There is NOTHING wrong with those things and if you do them, more power to you. I just know that for me, it doesn't work - can't work - long term and I need a new approach.
I am past all of that, and don't wish to ever do it again. I want to be an intuitive eater, and I want to be more fit and healthy. Here's the thing... Intuitive Eating is just like anything else - it's hard to adapt to, its easy to get lazy and ignore my health goals for myself. So somewhere I have to strike a balance between being a dieter and being a true Intuitive Eater. One is too strict and the other is not strict enough. This blog from this point forward will be about me trying to find that balance.
I will say this - I have given up on unrealistic goals. Not because I think I could never achieve them, but because I have found that it makes me unhappy trying to do so.
What I mean is this. I have been at this (trying to lose weight) on and off as long as I can remember. I've been a weight loss blogger for EIGHT. YEARS. I've gone up and down, up and down and now I feel like I have finally figured out what the problem is. The problem is my body has a natural weight it is comfortable at - that weight being about 250lbs.
Every time I've tried to lose weight, my body has gotten stuck around that weight. Then after continuing to do well, or trying to change things up to lose a little more, I get frustrated that the scale won't move and I "give up" and start eating whatever I want, and not exercising, because what's the point if I can't lose more? I have managed to get as low as 239, but I had to fight my way tooth and nail - and have a stomach flu - for it to happen. However in the 250-260 range, my body stays there pretty naturally. Even when I would start going off the deep end and stuffing my face, it would take a long time to gain if I was somewhere in the 250's.
So I have concluded something. I need to take my newfound attitude of being happy with myself, and apply it when I reach that weight range. I am pretty happy with myself now, weighing around 300. Something I never thought could be possible. Yet, I am uncomfortable physically. My clothes don't fit right even when they are big enough, and I just don't feel "good." So... some weight needs to come off. But this time, when I get to that magic range, I won't let ANYONE make me feel like I am still 100 lbs overweight. Though that may be true based on charts, for me I think its the right weight.
So can I just make this claim to all of you and let it settle in...... I CAN BE TRULY HAPPY AT 250LBS. I know there are many of you out there that weigh less than that - even under 200 - and aren't happy.... and how brazen you must think I am to make such a claim. But for me, it's true. We are all different and for me, that is my truth.
Let's take a second here and just LOOK at me weighing in the 250's. What did I look like? How did I feel? What did I do?
Does this girl look fat and unhappy?
Now a lot of people might say yes of course I still looked fat. And you are welcome to your opinion, I mean yes, I weighed around 250 lbs in these photos. But for me, it's a great time in my life when I felt good, felt like I looked good, found clothes easily, didn't have trouble doing active things, and I felt pretty "normal."
Nowadays, I am not feeling that way. I'm feeling uncomfortable and lazy. Let's compare to me right now.
I have grown a lot in these 50 lbs I have gained. What's funny is I feel better about myself now than I ever LET MYSELF FEEL when I weight 250. I vow never to do that again. I want to keep the good attitude I have now, but work toward feeling physically better, and being healthier. Never again will I be on a journey to lose 100-150 lbs. Now it's just 50. And I don't care how long it takes, either... I just want to be going in the right direction.
How I get there... that's going to be the next big blog post. Because I need to work on finding that balance between restriction, and free-for-all.
Right now I have less than a week until I move. I am going to be working on some better food choices this week, but probably not "working out." I'll be getting good activity preparing for the move. And a couple walks would be good for me too.
Anyway I would LOVE to go on and on, but I'll save more for the next post. Thank you to any of you who are still hanging out here with me :) I hope you can follow along with me as I take an unconventional approach to weight loss... one without time constraints, guilt, will power, and al the other things we are used to. I am excited about it, but it will also be a challenge. There are no rules for how to have no rules!!! :)
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Hanging Lake HIke
Just completed a huge post about our weekend away and the hike we took... come check it out on our blog!!
Glenwood Springs & Hanging Lake Hike
And here is the entire photo album (although a lot of pics are in the blog post!)
Photo Album
I'm off to dinner and a movie with my mom and my aunt! :) We're going to Red Robin and to see "All About Steve."
Glenwood Springs & Hanging Lake Hike
And here is the entire photo album (although a lot of pics are in the blog post!)
Photo Album
I'm off to dinner and a movie with my mom and my aunt! :) We're going to Red Robin and to see "All About Steve."
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Recipe: Crock Pot Potato Chowder
I made this potato chowder in the crock pot this week and it is just SO delicious, I had to share!! (The recipe, not my soup - get your own bowl!) :)
This is the second time we've made it, and it's just as good as I remembered.
30 min prep / 8-10 hours cook time
Serves 12
Ingredients:
8 cups diced potatoes
1/3 cup onion, chopped
3 (14.5 oz) cans chicken broth
1 (10 3/4 oz.) can condensed cream of chicken soup
1 (8 oz) package stick cream cheese, cubed
1/2 lb bacon, cooked and crumbled
Chives
1. Combine potatoes, onion, broth, and cream of chicken soup in crock pot.
2. Cover and cook on LOW 8-10 hours or until potatoes are tender.
3. Add cream cheese and blend.
4. Top with bacon and chives before serving.
My adjustments : I used green onions instead of chives, simply because I found them already chopped for cheaper than the whole chives. I also used about a cup of diced onion instead of just 1/3 cup, because I really love onion! I put some shredded cheese on top as well :)
NUTRITION INFO for 1 serving - recipe makes 12 servings: Calories - 271 Fat - 17.3 g Cholesterol - 35mg Sodium - 731 mg Potassium - 595 mg Carbohydrate - 20.8 g Dietary Fiber - 2.3 g Protein - 8.5 g For WW members - 6 POINTS (From how I'm understanding it, the nutrition info includes the bacon. So the only extra would be the shredded cheese I added.)
I got this recipe here on RecipeZaar.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
My Workouts Lately
Looky, I'm alive! And I actually got in a couple of good workouts this week! Wednesday I got back to the gym finally. I did 40 minutes on the arc trainer. (NEW arc trainer, too... which I'll go into in a bit.) What I find interesting is that I can still do 40 mins on the arc trainer when I haven't worked out in forever. It didn't really hurt. It wasn't really that hard. And yet, for 2 days after, my lungs burned! What the heck is up with that? I know my lungs aren't used to it. I just find it funny that I didn't struggle to breathe WHILE working out, but I have been after. I even thought maybe we had mold in the house again, because my lungs were burning so badly! Today I worked out again - this time I split it up and did 15 mins elliptical, 15 mins arc trainer, 15 mins bike. As soon as I got on the first machine I realized I was sore from Wednesday lol, I didn't even know before that. But today's workout felt really good. My lungs hurt after, but it seems to have gone away a lot more quickly. Hopefully next time they wont' hurt at all. I still need to try my wedding dress on and see how it's fitting..... LESS THAN A MONTH TO GO!!! And I need to take it in for my alterations soon! eeeek! :) Anyway, it feels good to be working out. I really haven't in a while because of my foot pain - which IS getting better by the way. I got my ORTHOTICS last week! They take some getting used to, and actually cause pain too while your muscles are adjusting to your new way of walking. But I already feel like I'm getting more used to them (it can take up to 6 weeks.) However, something I've been doing has been working. I am not dieting by any means, but I have cut out fast food 99% of the time. I'm down 15 pounds this month. And I definitely hope working out will help me lose another 10 before the wedding. Not because of how I will look that day or anything. I just want my dress to fit comfy. :) So... now let me get back to the NEW "Upgraded" Arc trainer machine that showed up at my gym. Here's a pic:
It's a nice machine... but take a look at where the cupholders are! It does require some acrobatics on my part to reach my water. Why couldn't they just be on the outside of the machine, farther forward? Also, a nice added feature is a fan that blows on you to cool you off. It can be set to hi, low, and off. However, the flow of the air is not adjustable. Couldn't they have simple louvers like car air conditioning systems?
See the slots where the air comes out? I wish it could be adjusted because, at my height (5'5") the air mostly goes straight over my head. It does move around in a cycle and occasionally it would go across my face... I'm guessing that's when it's meant to be cooling someones neck or chest. LOL. I'm short but I'm not THAT short. I'm also thinking of my dear Jenniy who is quite tall... How can the two of us (or a man for that matter!) be expected to use the same machine without it being adjustable? All in all I like the new machine, but some of these new features don't make sense to me.
See where those dang cup holders are in comparison to the woman? Sheesh. Anyway, the upside is they do still have one of the old machines there, on the other side of the track. I might keep using that one for a while :) That's it for now on the workout front. Just thought you might like to know what's up. PS - I am SORE! :)
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