So an interesting thing happened when my husband and I went swimming at our gym on Friday night. We had just gotten into the lap pool and I started ducking under the lane dividers and making my way to the other side. When I looked back to see where hubby was, he was in the water but having a conversation with this other guy above the water. I listened as much as I could from so far away, enough to gather that they were discussing weight loss surgery. I heard the other guy say "it saved my life... I used to be over 400 lbs." Since I was already farther away I just went ahead and started my swim, expecting Ian would tell me about the conversation later.
I had assumed that since my husband does not wear a shirt when he swims, the guy had seen the scars on my husbands stomach and recognized them as weight loss surgery scars, and that this had prompted their discussion. Their discussion went on 10 entire minutes (which felt like FOREVER as I was swimming, lol.) I was rather curious what it was about. When we finished swimming we went to the hot tub and my husband filled me in on the conversation.
As it turns out, the guy had not noticed Ian's scars. On the contrary, he was SUGGESTING weight loss surgery to Ian and me, because he saw us walking to the pool and saw our size, and he wanted to tell us about it so we would know there is hope, and there are options out there.
Um... ouch. Can I just say, this feels like a sucker punch to me. I am glad I was off swimming and doing my own thing instead of present for the conversation. Ian did tell him we had it, that he has lost 70 lbs and I have lost 90lbs... and they had a pretty pleasant conversation. The guy used the same surgeon as us, and had gastric bypass... he hadn't heard of the sleeve and was curious so Ian explained it to him.
While I understand this guy has good intentions and just wants to spread the good word so to speak... that can be VERY offensive, whether the person has had surgery or not. As a post op, especially with as MUCH WEIGHT as we have lost... it makes me feel like... really?? We are still SO BIG that you would suggest it to us??? Both of us have BMI's low enough now that we would not even QUALIFY for weight loss surgery. (You should have a BMI above 40... mine is currently 36.4 and Ian's is 39. When we started mine was 52 and Ian's was 50.) Here I am fitting into non-plus size clothing sizes (at least on top anyway) and someone thinks I'm big enough that he should suggest it to me... that kind of blows my mind. I am pretty average now I think... not in the fact that I am normal weight... but that there are a LOT of people out there wearing size 18 and XL. I like to think I don't stick out like a sore thumb anymore as the fattest person in a room, you know?
Ian took it a lot better than I did... he saw the guy's good intentions and the fact that he was so excited about how it changed his life. Maybe if I had been present I would have seen that more too. I feel like while I'm sure the guy meant well, it just isn't his PLACE. I mean, when my DOCTOR told me I should consider weight loss surgery, I cried right there in his office. I was so sad and hurt. And then I was 310 lbs... he had every reason to suggest it and, as my DOCTOR, it was his responsibility to try and help my health. Even then I was hurt. To have a stranger come up to me on the street (or at the gym pool as it may be)... well that is just a whole different situation and seems really inappropriate to me.
In a way I am kind of glad it happened because I have actually been tempted to say something to people before. When I see VERY large people, I wish to help them, to let them know what surgery can do. But I don't... and here are my reasons why I don't. 1- Surgery is not the right answer for everybody, even the morbidly obese. You have to be ready for it, able to commit, have enough self control and discipline to make it work beyond what the surgery does for you, and to make it last. 2- some people may WANT surgery, but either don't qualify, don't have medical insurance, or don't have the ability to pay even with insurance, let alone self pay. 3- I don't feel it is my place. While yes, it COULD save someone's life, I also think it could destroy someone's life. Many obese people suffer from depression (I heard 89% as the statistic at my surgeon's seminar)... what if a comment like this causes them to hate themselves even more? What if they were to commit suicide over the fact a perfect stranger suggested WLS to them? Yes that is extreme, but it could happen. Sure it could motivate someone to try to diet again... and then 6 months later when dieting fails, they feel like a failure again. I would not want to be responsible for someone feeling ANY of those things.
My rule is this - I am not secretive about my surgery. If someone asks how I did it, I tell them. While some people go with "I eat small portions and exercise" because it is technically not a lie... I don't personally take this approach because I would never want to make anyone feel 'less than'. For example going home thinking, 'that girl lost 90 lbs just eating right and exercising, why can't I do that? I am such a failure!' I know that's how **I** have felt when someone has told me that.
On the flip side though, I don't go around talking about my surgery to everyone... if they don't ask, I don't tell. I will not go up to a stranger and just tell them I had it, or that they should consider it themselves. Nor will I tell overweight friends or family that they should have it. If someone asks because they want to know, I will gladly tell them as much information as they would like to hear. But only if they ask.
What is your take on this? How would you feel if this happened to you, both pre-op (or not even considering/never have had an op) or if it happened post-op like it did to us? What is your stance on talking about surgery?
I have told family & close friends....but I probably won't tell everyone. If someone suggested I had it, I would probably find that ironic....and yes I am aware I am currently fat but....what if I was just pregnant? Or had some other issue? I don't know, I think unless you live in a box, most people are aware surgery is out there, and they're just not thinking about it. I'd probably be somewhat offended too.
ReplyDeletePeople mean well but they don't know others personal circumstances so I understand how you feel in a way.
ReplyDeleteI was visiting a local cafe with my husband a few months ago to have some brunch. An old lady there (do we excuse her because she's old?) stopped us, we knew her from town, and the conversation went along the lines of:
Old lady: "Well you two have been having a bit of fun lately".
Me: (confused) "Err what do you mean".
Old lady: "Congratulations are in order, when is the baby due".
I could have died. She was meaning well I guess, but I came home so upset, and threw the jacket I was wearing straight into the rubbish bin.
Silly reaction, but do I laugh it off? Do I put it down to her just wanting to acknowledge what she thought was obvious? Or do I learn from the experience to never jump to conclusions with others and put my foot in it like the old lady did. I think the latter.
So please PLEASE don't take this man's words to heart. He was so caught up in his own jubilation of losing weight and not realising your personal circumstances (no excuse of course though). I've been following along with your blog and I think you are doing amazing. I am so excited when I see the incredible shrinking woman photographs, that's what I call you, the incredible shrinking woman.
So onward and upward, and know that you are inspiring us out here who whilst do not know you, are following along and waiting for the next update and cheering you from the sidelines.
I am 3 months out from my surgery at around 250 lbs. I don't know if I would have taken offense or not (or if I will in the future when I'm smaller), but here's how I handle conversation about WLS. I would never outright *suggest* that anyone should have it - family, friend, or otherwise. I agree with your comments about it not being for everyone, and the things a person needs to be able to go thru to handle it. However, depending on the conversation and how well I do or don't know the person, I share my story. I always either start out or work in to the conversation "my experience" of WLS. That leaves people open to say "oh wow" and move on to the next topic of conversation or "tell me more". Even if they say "tell me more" I would never say "YOU should have it." I will say things like "this is what led ME to make the decision" and "this is how it helped ME." Because prior to my surgery, I hardly told anyone I was having it. Mainly because I didn't want anyone talking me into or out of it. I knew the decision had to be 100% me. My DH was very supportive, but ultimately the decision was all mine.
ReplyDeleteI agree, do try to focus on the man's enthusiasm and don't be hurt. Trust me, I've got a slew of comebacks loaded just in case anyone would like to make a comment about my current weight. My self-confidence and body image are higher than they've ever been (even though I spent many years at this weight but it sure looks good now compared to the 306 I started at), and I'm not about to let one jerk bring me down, lol! Have a good one!
I'm not in the pre or postop group or involved in WLS in any way, but I think it's rude that that guy said those things to you. You never know where someone is in life, what their circumstances are, and to presume things like that (or presume someone is pregnant, etc) is uncalled for.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you look at all like you need WLS at the size you are now (and I'm not just being nice.) Since he was at the pool, the dude had probably just taken his contacts out. LOL
ReplyDeleteThat is RIDICULOUS. You and I are almost the same size at this point and we do NOT need to be approached and told that WLS might be a good option for the FUTURE. Thankfully we already came to that conclusion almost 100 pounds ago. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I'm glad you came to an "okay" place about it. I'm happy to talk to anyone about it, but I would NEVER be like "you should look into it!" to ANYONE unless they expressed specific and very clear interest in pursuing it. I tell everyone. Strangers, employees, everyone. Specifically I tell a lot of waitresses because I want the kids menu and I don't want to fight about it, and typically the word "surgery" helps with that.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I would be really angry and really hurt and probably lock myself in my apartment and cry for days. I, (fortunately?) have the opposite problem where people make comments about my face being "almost too skinny" and "even if you stopped now!" and that is disturbing in an entirely different and much milder (but still notable) way.
ReplyDeleteIt depends on who asks me how much I tell them about my surgery. I've had a lot of folks at work ask how I've lost so much weight - those I know and work with know that I had surgery. Those that don't, I tell them, "I watch what I eat and exercise" which is the truth as well. Some people are too nosey for their own good and I decided it's not my job to educate them.
ReplyDeleteYesterday I went into my doctor's office about my knee. My nurse was morbidly obese, and saw in my chart that I'd had gastric bypass. She said, "I don't know how you could do that to yourself." I smiled sweetly and said, "Do what?" She said "Have surgery to lose weight...just watch what you eat." Um....
So, I told her, "I do watch what I eat - and I eat a lot less. And now, 1 year out, I'm down 130 pounds, with diabetes and heart disease in remission." I'm sorry, but if you are bigger than I EVER was, don't tell me I just need to watch what I eat.
Why are people so danged rude?
Wow, that IS a sucker punch! Really! First of all, I'm a little worried about this guy who apparently has nothing better to do than hit the local gym pool and scope out potential weight-loss surgery candidates. I get the excitment, I get that he feels so good he wants to shout it from the top of the nearest mountain, but there is something most people have and that is an internal filter. Like others have said, if it comes UP in casual conversation, great. Share if you like. But what he is doing is downright rude. Sorry but it is. Hindsight is always 20/20 but I think I would have said something like "well, you know the surgeon is always drumming up people to come and give a testimonial at his monthly seminars, maybe you should look into that!" Ugh. Sorry, you and Ian look GREAT!!! Don't ever doubt that for a second!
ReplyDeleteHey there,
ReplyDeleteI love your blog, and I think you have the most wonderful and supportive attitude. I think that this guy was just caught up in his enthusiasm. Honestly, I know people who when they are in the throes of excitement over some new thing will suggest it to EVERYONE. But, you look great, and at your current weight, I would never EVER think that you might need to go for weight loss surgery to meet your goals. Don't take his misplaced enthusiasm to heart. I think your approach to sharing is sensible. I am considering WLS, and I really appreciate those people who share their journey, but I think it's best to let those people come to you.
I think I would have died if anyone had ever told me I should consider WLS. It's the best thing I've ever done for myself, but I had to come to that decision without someone letting me know that THEY thought it was the best thing for me.
ReplyDelete