I went to Lane Bryant in search of a new pair of shorts for summer. The smallest size I owned previously was a 20, which I've been wearing in my last couple of progress photos, but of course they are much too big now. I grabbed an 18 and a 16 to take into the dressing room with me. I felt optimistic so I tried the 16's first.
To my shock and amazement, they were too big. I changed and went to grab a size 14, figuring they would be too tight and I'd be in between the two sizes. To my even greater shock and amazement, they fit perfectly.
Size 14. Fit. Perfectly.I cried in the dressing room.
After collecting myself I decided to buy some new jeans too. The 14's seemed a bit snug so I bought 16, but they are actually kind of baggy so with those I think I'm right in between. But still... walking out with a 16 and a 14, I felt like I was walking on air.
Even though Lane Bryan's sizes run generous, the important thing is when I started I was wearing size 28 from that store. I have gone from their biggest size to their smallest size!!!!!
It still amazes me how much has changed. Today, I went grocery shopping and I had to pick up some items we were asked to bring to a party this weekend. Chips and soda... two things I haven't bought in almost a year. Just walking down those two aisles of the store was a strangely foreign experience. They were so unfamiliar and I couldn't believe how weird it felt.
That was a good reminder... things HAVE changed, so much. That even though lately I have struggled with some of my food choices... I have still come a very long way and there are TONS of things I do not even TOUCH anymore such as chips, soda, most fried foods and most fast food, that pretty much used to make up my ENTIRE diet.
This makes me feel good.
However, that's the bright side and I do need to look at the not so bright side also. My eating in Chicago wasn't great... I did as well as I could for the most part, but I had way too many sweets and desserts. When I got home I had gained 3 lbs... not too shabby for a vacation. Since I did a 5K while I was there and got a great workout at the waterpark, I'm sure that helped me not to gain even more. But then I was only home 1 day and went up to our timeshare with my husband. We took all kinds of good food with us, planning only to eat out for our favorite sushi a couple times and eat everything else at home. Unfortunately we both went into pig-out vacation mode and we ate candy, popcorn and sweets.
Night before last as we were going to bed, I exploded, telling him how awful I felt about how we were eating. He felt the same way. We realize there are both ups and downs when it comes to going through this together - we like to be bad together. But we can also talk about it and pull ourselves out of it together. When we got up the next morning, we threw away all the remaining candy, popcorn and junk (hello s'mores!) that we still had.
I told him what scares me the most is not gaining a couple pounds - I know that is temporary and easy to get rid of. What scares me is the lack of control I have been feeling over this behavior. It's wayyyy to familiar, and i know exactly where it will take me.
I swore I'd never say no to anything... but I think at least for a while, I have to say no to sweets. I need to get them out of my system. Other than my Starbucks twice per week, no other sweets. No candy, no chocolate, no desserts, no cookies, etc. And also watching my carbs more again. I am planning to be very strict about this at least until our one year appointment (which we are moving to June, at Ian's one year). Once I have all the junk out of my system, then I can decide when and IF to bring any back in. I used to be okay with a little here and there and I hope I can do that again. But right now, I can't... so I need to abstain. I never thought I would do this... but for now it is necessary. If I have it around I go nuts with it and can't stop myself. Somewhere along the way I have lost that. I think part of it is physical - when it's in your system you want more more more. Part of it is mental, and I had that part good so I think the physical of having it in my system is what is making it a lot harder. So for now... out of my system.
I've now been eating "right" for two days and I already feel so much better. This is how it SHOULD be. This is how it WILL be.
I'm not beating myself up, but rather
picking myself up and moving forward to live the life I want to live :) I have more changes to make, more pounds to lose and more life to live! Whoo!
